unclogging
Lately I haven't been writing much. A coubple or few months ago I tried to commit to writing in my blog at least once a week. That lasted about a week. In a kabbalah class recently we were told why short term plans often get interferred with. I won't go into it. Maybe you already know or have your own opinions about it anyway. It's interesting because I started a writing class geared specifically towards writer's block. It's called Industrial Poetry and is taught by Brendan Constantine. The interesting thing is that during the in class assignments, I write long spontaneous works. At home, alone, I can't write anything.
Ok so let's go backwards a bit, shall we? Don't answer this. It's what is known as a rhetorical question. I have been studying Kabbalah for nearly a year now. If you know me well then this is a pretty logical progression from my other metaphysical and mystical interests. For me, Kabbalah has started to illuminate some concepts I was already very familiar with by explaining actually how to do the work to apply them in a practical way to my life. I am not saying that because at the moment that since Kabbalah works for me if it doesn't work for you or you don't have any interest in it that there is anything wrong with you. If you notice an increase in postings related to Kabbalah or Judaism, that does not mean I am turning religious or trying to convert anybody. I am simply passionate about what I am learning and sharing it. I am off track again.
Futher backwards -- because Kabbalah is new and I developed a passion for it, I have been spending a disproportionate time studying it rather than contemplating and exploring and then sitting down to write something. It's not that I don't have ideas. I have many. I just have not given myself time to just sit with them and then flow them onto paper or the computer screen. It's highly likely I went too far the other way in going against my nature which is to spend huge amounts of time alone. Now I am trying to settle into a balance of sharing in person with people and sharing with people via my writing and other creative endeavors. I also am often spending time alone not working towards any type of sharing. Sometimes I am just escaping.
Maybe in some ways for awhile I escaped into Kabbalah which is not really then Kabbalah. It's easy to "get busy" with anything, including "spirituality" in a selfish way as a form of escapism. There are many things I both desire to confront head on and escape from because they feel extremely daunting and I often feel isolated and alone in these challenges, not because they are unique or worse than other peoples' challenges, but because my comfort zone is to not face them or convince myself that I am facing them when in fact I am not. I'm an expert at self deception. And I am an expert at self absorbtion. (and spelling errors).
Perhaps I am the most selfish and needy person I know. Some folks may agree. I don't know. I don't say this in a woe as me victim way. Humans are all highly selfish. We want, want , want some to a higher degree than others. The wanting isn't wrong, but wanting purely for the self alone is harmful to the self and others. I am now ever on the quest to shift my desire for short term gratification to long term fulfillment, something Kabbalah calls shifting the desire to receive for the self alone to desire to receive for the sake of sharing or transforming a linear vessel into a circular vessel. Most of the time I operate from a linear vessel.
Part of my own personal work has been to shift how I am with men. For a lot of my adult life, I had deceived myself into an attitude that if I felt a connection and a chemistry with a guy, that if in the moment I wanted to sleep with him then I would. This I told myself was liberating and free in spite of the fact that most if not all of these relationships were extremely short lived and immediately resulted in an intense emotional crash where I felt empty and hollow and very alone. Never dirty or ashamed, just wrong like everybody else seemed to be able to figure this part out and yet I thought I was doing the same thing and yet I never could quite get anywhere or at least not anywhere for very long. And then I just blamed the men and forgot about my part, my responsibility and repeated the same mistake(s) over and over and over and over and over...
I was never a slut or extremely promiscuous. I have had both amazing expereinces and mediocre experience and one abusive marriage. I'm not complaining. I love men. I love people. I am now actually comning to love and value myself, to actually have a true sense of self worth. Yesterday I jokingly said I have decided to no longer sleep with a man based on the fact that I think/feel we knew each other in past life. (you may laugh but in a way this is exactly how I based all my romantic or sexual interactions with men. If we had chemistry and I sensed I knew you before then bingo no matter how you behave, I'd go to bed with you).
Recently I managed to shift a couple things. An ex of mine invited me for a drink. A year ago, I would've dropped everything and met him for a drink. Now no way. I was busy. I told him. He didn't ask me again. This is a goood thing. In another situation, a guy I've known for 3 years got back in touch. We had never actually dated but he and I have intense chemistry and sometimes a sort of telepathic connection so three years ago everytime we met, we ended up in bed. Why? Because I chose that. It's been 3 years. I invited him to a kabbalah class. He I guess assumed (and why wouldn't he) that this meant that sex would be part of the package deal. I do have strong affection for him, but I hadn't seen him in 3 years. And I've been studying kabbalah and made a committment to myself not to just give all my Light away for free (please don't post about money. that's not what I mean by free or value etc). We hugged and laughed but his energy even on the phone the day before was intensely ungrounded which probably made it easier for me not to be tempted into bed with him. He didn't take the class seriously at all. Then after he kissed me which I said was fine but made it clear in a flirty way that I was not having sex with him that night, he proceeded to collect phone numbers from other women everywhere we went. If I had had sex with him, I would habve ended up hurt because my motivation for having sex with him would have been as selfish as his but based on my feelings of affection towards him but his were just based on getting laid and I obviously was completely interchangeable with any woman who would be impressed by his ability to warm or cool their hand (he has natural energy work ability) and be charming.
It may sound like I blame him. I don't. This particular person has an unbalanced, unbounded, very child like energy about them. He does nothing out of malice or meaness. He's like the kids in the preschool where I work. They have no idea that some of the things they do might hurt other people's feelings. They are purely and selfishly exploring their worlds. This is the space he is in. Unfortunately he isn't 5. He's 31. I love exploring life and being adventurous but I also take responsibility for my actions and know that there is a time and a place. So this man and I are not a good match. He is not boyfriend material. He doesn't even want a girlfriend. He just wants to get laid. Nothing wrong with that. Getting laid feels good. But it's all short term fulfillment and like I said, I am trying not to do things based on short term fulfillment.
Do I regret not sleeping with him. No. O.K. for about a minute when I'm extremely horny then yes, but then I remind myself of the crash. And not sleeping with him coupled with his animal level antics give me a lot more fuel for poetry and fiction than sleeping with him just to get laid or feel a man's arms around me would.
So back to unclogging am I? I don't know. I hope so. I hope once Industrial Poetry is over, that I will be able to come up with inspiration for poems and stories. I don't think Brendan will allow me to email him every other day asking him for assignments. I think the next blog entry will just be a poem. Maybe old. Maybe new. Maybe both. Hopefully not borrowed or blue ;).
lyrical
happy
chatty
energetic
excited 
down
bummed 
a-ok
curious 
cool
artistic 
