Mood:
coolTopic: Life
Writer's block and traversing the baffling mine fields of singledom :)
Current mood: 
artistic
Category: Life
I'll just say it once, I'm feeling a bit blocked as far as writing poetry goes and have been blocked for the last couple of weeks. But that's ok because maybe now I'll actually sit down and put together the chapbook I have been procrastinating about for the last 2 years out of insecurity or some kind of irrational fear that's not grounded in anything real.
Speaking of unreality, can I also mention or well confess that I don't really like being single. This may be odd since I have been single for longer periods of time than I have been in relationships, but when I get into long-term relationships I tend to stay in them for at least 4 years at a time. I don't count my most recent experience that I've recounted much of in this blog as a long-term relationship. It's more a part of the baffling minefield of dating or whatever the kids are calling it these days. And maybe that's the problem. Nobody has the same terms for anything and that's confusing enough. I know people who say they never date and yet they go out 1 on 1 with members of their gender of sexual and/or romantic preference and do things like drink or eat a meal or go to a movie or some other what my mother would term date like activity. So when exactly did dating become not dating and does insisting that something that by description looks like a date isn't a date, really make it not a date? Are we really all that afraid of getting to know each other that we are even afraid to call a date a date?
But maybe it isn't the activity that makes it a date. So to be sure I looked up the definition of date in the dictionary and here's what I found: date, noun, "an appointment to meet at a specified time; especially: a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character." The part that's interesting for this discussion is the phrase, "that often has a romantic character" and there's where times have changed. For example, I occasionally go out with or meet people in person that I originally met online, usually on a "dating" site such as ok cupid and recently for the first time with somebody I met on Myspace. I don't know these people really and they don't know me. And because we have never met, we have no idea if there is even any real mutual attraction or interest so how could a first or even a second meeting be termed a date? And then what if one person feels like it's a date but the other person doesn't? It's a lot less ambiguous to meet somebody at a bar or a party and talk a bit and then know that you'd definitely like to go out on a date with this person. Although even then it's not always clear these days. Most of us like to at least appear invulnerable and issue free, especially when we're trying to impress prospective romantic partners and most of us are afraid of rejection so we often don’t call a date, a date in case it isn’t and then it doesn’t feel or we think it won’t feel as bad if it doesn’t work out.
My confusion is I'd rather know where I stand so I can know how to behave without embarrassing myself. How flirtatious should I be on these non-date dates? I'm not looking for casual sex, so I'm not going to be worried about that but if I'm too platonic on a non-date date how do I convey that I may be interested in a date date in the future if there is mutual interest, but that if there isn't I'm fine continuing going on non date dates and/or becoming part of an extended circle of platonic friends. What if I make a wrong move or say the wrong thing inadvertently and a guy I'm interested in totally misinterprets it as something else? I’m not being insecure her. I have a wacky, sometimes odd sense of humor and I’m a proud dork so this is a real possibility lol.
What exactly are the rules of non-date dating anyway? And now I have another confession to make, since starting my study of Kabbalah, I am more baffled because Kabbalah has a set of suggestions or "rules" for dating and how women should behave in order to allow men to share or something like that. Do those "rules" apply to non-date dates? What about being a post-modern, post-feminist, post-punk woman? What if the guy I’m hanging out with isn’t studying Kabbalah? What if he’s a post- modern, post- feminist, post-punk? Some of the Kabbalah guidelines seem a bit retro. The reasoning is about women recognizing their worth and power, but I do recognize those. I have a pretty healthy sense of self and a positive self esteem, yet I don't always agree that a man has to pay for everything on dates not that that is the only way he can share or convey that he knows a woman has worth etc. What's wrong with going Dutch? I'd rather be equal. What if both of us don't make a lot of money? Actually eventually I prefer my mom's method of whoever invites pays, but in the beginning on non date dates when who knows if there will be a next non date date, let alone a date date, going Dutch makes sense. If a guy always had to pay, he'd have no money to go on non date dates, let alone date dates unless they are rich. I know I am non-date dating multiple guys and I assume they are also non-date dating multiple girls, at least I hope they are because I don't need any stalkers or misunderstandings and I would never want a guy I am seeing to feel pressured into paying all of the time. I’m an independent woman. I don’t need to be provided for financially. I can pay my own way. I don’t need or want a sugar daddy, thank you very much.
I guess you might say that figuring out whether it’s a date or a non date or a relationship all boils down to communication and emotional maturity. True. But how and where do you meet good communicators? Most of us aren't really taught good, strong communication skills. And we’re deathly afraid of appearing vulnerable. Just this past Sunday, a new friend was relating to me how hard it is for him to meet emotionally mature people and I agreed. I think I am usually emotionally mature, but I admit I have my blind spots and I do have issues. Still I try to communicate rather than freak out and I try to consider the other person and where they are coming from and what they need or want. Plus in dating whether it's non date dating or date date dating, I am trying to focus on friendship first and getting to know the person before I decide whether or not I want to kiss them or them to kiss me let alone get to full blown sex. It's not that I have a problem with casual sex or people that want casual sex; it's just that casual sex is not for me at this point in time. I'm more interested in friends and an eventual long-term relationship so the next person I have sex with will be a person that I am starting a romantic relationship with and that's it.
Who knows when that will be? I've had 2 non-date dates with a guy I like and would like to hang out with more but I'm baffled about where to go from here and who calls who and all that stuff. But I'll figure it out or not. And I have a couple other non-date dates lined up with a couple other guys over the next few days. If none of these guys turns into a romance it's fine. Maybe some of them will become good friends and who knows whom I'll meet. And while I say I hate being single because the whole dating thing is confusing to a post punk post dork dork who’s proud of her dorkiness and silliness, I am quite comfortable being alone and spending time alone. If I have no time to myself, then when can I write or draw or take pictures or meditate. And I'd rather be alone than in a bad relationship. And for now when I get horny I've got a good vibrator. The part of Kabbalah I'm working on in regards to all my relationships, romantic and platonic, is to at least attempt to have no agenda and to go with the flow. Sometimes I get there and other times I freak out, but only to my close friends. So my dates and non-dates never know. Well if any of them read this blog they do. I hope I have a 3rd non-date date with this new friend I mentioned but I make no assumptions. And now off to do homework and work on putting together that chapbook I mentioned :)
 | Currently listening: The Life Pursuit By Belle & Sebastian Release date: 2006-02-07 |
