I guess it's been a bit since I've posted a new blog. The main updates are:

1) My apt and probably half the building had a terrible bedbug infestation. As a result, I had to throw away my bed, my dog's beds, all my pillows and chair cushions and I have been sleeping on a hard wood floor for about 2 weeks now until I get paid and can buy a new bed. My landlord is supposed to be replacing my bed which is good. But he hasn't given me the $ yet so I'm just going to buy the soft furniture that needs to be replaced and then take the amount off rent. Sleeping on the floor is actually an excellent exercise in humility and a good way to crush the ego a little bit. It was hard the first 2 nights and it's been a little difficult the last couple nights while I've had a bad cold. Actually I'm having some interesting dreams which may or may not be from sleeping on the floor. Those could also be from a fairly new twice daily practice of kabbalistic prayers and meditations. One of those sessions is completed just before I go to sleep and included staring at and meditating on one of a sequence of Aramaic/Hebrew letters called the 72 Names of G-d. They aren't actually G-d's names, but aspects in a way and are unpronounceable as words and are more accurately "messages" or "messengers" so names of angels sort of, but not exactly. Anyway, that's sort of a tangent (however often tangents contain more important information than the main body of a piece of writing or for example a lecture). It's possible the forces of the letters are influencing my dreams. It will be good to get a new bed though as being able to sustain sleeping on the floor for a long period of time is actually starting to feed my ego rather than crush it as I can feel myself starting to want to brag about how I am able to sleep fairly ok on a hard floor. So time to stop.

2) My last blog was on dating and how I am sort of not enjoying being single. I guess really what I don't enjoy on further reflection is "dating." And I mean how the 1% material reality views "dating" and all the bullshit that accompanies it. I'm more interested as I said before in cultivating friendships and intellectual, emotional and spiritual intimacy with a person before it evolves into anything physical and am quite happy to have no particular agenda. Well the no agenda is a goal. I have an ego, a large one, like everybody else so sometimes it has other plans if I don't keep it in check or I am not noticing where my blind spots are. More and more I am wondering if it is possible to have a romantic relationship with a man who isn't also studying kabbalah and attempting to live kabbalistically or at least to understand kabbalah. However I know I can have platonic friendships with people from all walks of life. I sort of kind of started talking to an old flame from college and beyond who now lives on the other side of the country. But that's the problem lol, he lives on the other side of the country. I really need to meet and have relationships with people I can hang out with on a regular basis although of course I remain friends with several people who are scattered all over the planet. My main focus is not having a romance. I've never been a "I must be part of couple NOW" or needy in that way. If anything, I am the opposite. I tend to keep prosepective romantic partners at arm's length in a variety of ways either by being distant or by being too intense/passionate or an odd combination of both at the same time. In other words by sending mixed signals (note this is not on purpose. I don't stay awake nights plotting on how I can keep all potential romantic partners from getting too close lol). In fact for about 4 years after ending my marriage, although I dating occassionally, I basically totally shut down from that aspect of myself. That ended in June of last year when I met somebody who somehow broke through all that lol.

3) At the time of my last blog entry, I thought I had made a new male friend. Not anything romantic or sexual necessarilly. It was way too soon to tell. We never even held hands, let alone kissed so how could either of us really tell what exactly was there. I'm a big believer that the first kiss and/or salsa or tango with a prosepective "date" are how a person knows anything about actual chemistry or potential in a friendship. And prolonging when or if there will even be a first kiss I am finally learning is often more fun than just cutting to the chase and kissing or jumping into bed with somebody too soon. But it seems he has moved on to not being a new friend and maybe being an acquaintance or maybe I am now just added to a list of band fans to be notified as new gigs come up. I am always happy to support other artists so I will. There were red flags sort of. He never added me on myspace as a friend. This point may seem immature. It doesn't hurt my feelings and there is no rule about adding people as friends or not. It just is an observation. And that's why it's a red flag. I can understand about stalkers since I've had my share being a female and a creative female with a small, well tiny, public following as a performance poet in Los Angeles. But at some point not adding a person as a friend looks like paranoia and/or very serious intimacy issues. I don't know. I wish him well and maybe we really "have coffee sometime" but I'm not holding my breath. Somewhere between our last meeting where we tentatively planned to go to see "Milk" together and at the end of that meeting he assured me that "it's on" and the next time we talked it went to him being "busy with work, taking care of some things and other stuff" and to "maybe we can get some coffee sometime" and then to "well, maybe I can let you know via email of future gigs." I liked him. I still like him. But I have no idea if that like would ever become romantic or not. I didn't know him at all. He doesn't know me at all. Hanging out 3 times for about 2 hours each is not enough time to get to know anybody. I think he's very attractive, but I also just think he's an interesting and intelligent guy and the most I allowed myself to fantasize about anything was being friends and/or maybe having another musician friend since I'm trying to get back into music again after not being serious about it since I was maybe 20.

4) Since I've seriously been back on my spiritual path and been studying and practicing kabbalah, I have been realizing all the things I gave up on because I was too afraid to continue because it was very scary and uncomfortable to pursue. One of those things is playing music, specifically singing and writing lyrics and finding 1-4 people to collaborate with musically. I need to overcome this fear. Up until age 19 or 20 I was actively trying to get into a band I even went on some auditions. Later I found out, I wasn't successful not because of lack of talent but because at the time my shyness was so acute, that even with a microphone, it was difficult to hear me and on stage it would have been impossible to. Now I'm louder lol. Plus collaborating will help me work on my fears of letting go and collaborating with others, to learn to trust others creatively. I think it's time.

5) I'm finally putting together my first chapbook, entitled "Don't Make Vincent Gallo Mad" (I like Vincent Gallo as an artist. I don't know him personally.) It's about 1/2 done. The poems are all there. It's just deciding which ones and what order and also which pieces of art to include. I'm editing it myself. It's my creative control issues and my lack of trust that are not allowing me to ask anybody else to edit it. Maybe I'll ask a trusted poet editor friend or two to take a final look before I take it to Kinko's to print it. It will be done before May because...

6) I am featuring at Beyond Baroque the first Sun in May at the Sun open reading there. Yay! I need to feature more again. My stalker issues of over a year ago and my head injury at around the same time really cut my time going to open readings and also my exposure as a result. The more open readings I go to, the more I get offers to feature I noticed. Also it's past time for me to have a book out and that should help.

7) I'm not hurt or angry at B anymore. At the moment he and I don't speak. I feel if he wants to talk to me then he will. In the past no matter what I did or said it was misinterpreted and either just fed his ego or ended up exploding into misunderstanding and hurt and wasn't helping either of us. I worry about him sometimes and I pray for his happiness, joy, peace, fulfillment and that he finds what he needs and is looking for in life. I am willing to never see or speak to him or attempt to see or speak to him if that is what is needed for him to find what he needs to further his path.And that is what he knows his path is whenever he finds it. Not what I or any other person thinks, feels or says his path should be. All of us are already on our paths. We all have freewill to make certain causes or not. There is a bigger picture always and who am I to judge or even be able to know or see what the bigger picture is for him. That's between him and G-d. He said once he feels an intense connection to Moses(Moshe) so I see him in my prayers having those qualities that Moses had and becoming a great, caring, compassionate leader in whatever community he chooses to land in.

It's funny as usual this blog isn't what I thought it was ultimately going to be about. Originally I intended to write more about ego and vulnerability. Maybe another time. Also in future blogs, look for new poems. Maybe the next several blogs will just be new poems lol. Over and out. Happy travels. "It is a tree of life for those who hold fast to it." :)