Working on uncontional sharing & a quote Mood: bright Topic: Spiituality, Dreams
Working on unconditional sharing & quote from Honey From the Rock a book by Lawrence Kushner Current mood: awake Category: Religion and Philosophy
Things always happen for a reason as the cliche goes & since I have made a more active & proactive committment to my spiritual path I am beginning to see that the only reason is to give us opportunities to transform our issues at a soul level so we can reveal Light to the world. Yesterday I posted a meditation tool, a phrase I learned in the Kabbalah class I am taking at the Kabbalah Centre, "I only want to get the Light of the Creator." This phrase is the key to understanding what real unconditional sharing means. It means we dont need to take or steal Light or energy from others. It means we dont need recognition, thanks or anything in return for anything we do or say. It means that the only motivation in unconditional sharing is to receive the Light of the Creator from the Creator. This Light is endless & when we tap into it there is never any need to take from others & also others can never drain us or harm us. However, it is important to never judge others who are not able to unconditionally share. The moment we blame others for anything it means we are focusing on ourselves and no longer connected to the Light. We also must have undrstanding and compassion for ourselves. It takes time, persistence and perseverence to get to a place of pure unconditional sharing all of the time and the first step is awareness of our own selfishness, our own reactivity and our own issues that we need to correct ourselves. We are always the cause of our own lives. This is where my understanding of what I am learning and where I am trying to go with that learning in my own journey of healing and transformation. I hope it helps others to reveal the Light to themselves and each other. We are all in this together. Separation is an illusion. With that I am going to end with a quote from the book, Honey From the Rock by Lawrence Kushner. Part of this quote is in my status for today. "Where does a person end and begin?....Where does anything begin and another thing end?....Why have we so ruthlessly superimposed borders on things?....Maybe there are no 'objects.' Maybe we have only invented them." (pp145-146). :)
Kabbalah, Hafiz, No Agenda and Soul Meets Body Mood: a-ok Topic: Friends
Kabbalah, Hafiz, No Agenda and Soul Meets Body Current mood: blessed Category: Friends
Just a quote, a few poems by Hafiz and a video today :)
B it's good we talked about stuff last night. Honestly, from my heart, we are on the same page about everything. Really :) Let's just be and let G-d decide the rest. Whatever G-d wants, provides, intends is beautiful. I have no agenda or expectations. I respect your wishes and boundaries and they are also my wishes and boundaries. Love always - however G-d wants that love to look. Friends first, friends last and friends forever. Thank you for being my best friend :)
"when you share your pure thoughts and are willing to say the uncomfortable truths, you feel peaceful and grounded.An important lesson to remember this month is that if you truly care about a person, you should do anything in your power to be open and honest with them. As the kabbalists say: Love without unity isn't love, and unity without love isn't unity." - Yehuda Berg
The Thousand - Stringed Instrument
The heart is The thousand-stringed instrument.
Our sadness and fear come from being Out of tune with love.
All day long God coaxes my lips To speak,
So that your tears will not stain His green dress.
It is not that the Friend is vain, It is just your life we care about.
Sometimes the Beloved Takes my pen in hand, For Hafiz is just a simple man.
The other day the Old One Wrote on the tavern wall:
"The heart is The thousand-stringed instrument
That can only be tuned with Love."
- Hafiz (Sufi poet circa 1320-1389)
I Got Kin
Plant So that your own heart Will grow
Love So God will think,
"Ahhhhh, I got kin in that body! I should start inviting that soul over For coffee and Rolls."
Sing Because this is a food Our starving world Needs.
Laugh Because that is the purest Sound. - Hafiz
Life Starts Clapping
Wherever God lays His glance Life starts Clapping.
The Myriad Creatures grab their instruments And join the Song.
Whenever love makes itself known Against another Body
The Jewel in the eye starts To
Dance.
- Hafiz
Chain You To My Body
All These words Are just a front What I would really like to do is Chain you to my body, Then sing for days And days and Days About God. - Hafiz
Why Not Be Polite
Everyone Is God speaking. Why not be polite and Listen to Him? - Hafiz
My Birthday Party and Happy Birthday B Mood: cool Topic: Friends
My Birthday Party & Flo Rida - Low video & Happy Birthday B Current mood: vibrant Category: Friends
This is a blog about how great my birthday was! Hooray! And it was all because of my friends and being able to share a wonderful evening with them. And also a very sweet reunion after 3 months apart for me and my best guy friend, B. :)
So my actual birthday was Sun, but my party was Sat. night. It has been a long time since I've had an actual birthday party. Usually maybe I'll go out to dinner with 1 or 2 very close friends or maybe have a family dinner. But since I started studying Kabbalah, I have actively been trying to challenge myself as much as possible and getting over aspects of my self consciousness is part of that. So this year I decided to have a karaoke party and to invite people I might feel embarrassed to invite because I don't know them that well yet or who I haven't seen in awhile and then of course I invited some close friends as well. And to make things really potentially challenging I invited my most recent ex, who as anyone who reads this blogs, knows, I still have very deep feelings for.
I prepared myself emotionally for the event by staying positive and reminding myself that the party would be the exact party that I needed to have now ijn order to continue learning and growing and no matter what it would be a fun experience, even if I was the only one who attended. As the party date grew closer, I became more and more excited and used the opportunity to approach people I work I rarely get a chance to speak to and invited them. By the friday before the party, if I worked with you and I hadn't invited you, then it was just because I didn't see you that day.
I wanted to use the party to make everybody who came feel good and to share gifts with them. I bought little things and some chocolates and made party favor treats for everybody. By focusing on my guests and not myself and whether I would have fun, it helped me not feel insecure or nervous like I normally might. It also took my mind off of over obsessing about the fact that B would be there.
Sat morning and afternoon I made last minute preperations, treated myself to a manicure and picked up the birthday cake. While I was out B sent me a cute happy party picture message. It was so sweet and he and I had a nice conversation via text.
Soon it was almost time for the party. I got ready, feeling really happy and excited and still in the postive, sharing place without any expectations. I drove to Boardwalk 11 and a couple early guests were already there, one of my friends names Alex and my good friend Ida. Gradually more people arrived, including B. He gave me a big hug, long hug. He's the best hugger ever. He always gives full hugs that feel like he really connects. Then he sat next me and we talked a lot about a lot of things which are personal and private so I won't go into detail. I also have to say that it felt like it always feels to be around him which I can just describe as right.
Finally everybody was there so it was B, Tina, Ida, 2 different Alexes, Tracy, Louise, Amber, her boyfriend (I am embarrassed I forgot his name) Didi, Sharon and a friend of Sharon's (also need to get her name, sorry) so including me there were 13 of us. It was a great mix of people. B was great. He got up and danced to California Love which was awesome. He's so funny, exuberant and just a great guy and an amazing friend. Yes, sometimes he and I have our differences and misunderstandings, but so does everybody and he was really wonderful Sat night. He halped make my birthday party one of the best birthday's I've ever had and even if he and I never get that opportunity again to feel that connected again, the gift he gave me of just being himself and being relaxed and having a great time is one I will always treasure. Just thinking about him dancing, he and I sitting and being a bit cuddly together and just being together makes me smile every time. I opened the gift he and Tina gave me which he picked out. I was really touched. He gave me an English translation of the Torah, The Five Books of Moses. Thanks so much for the book B. I love it :)
He and I are more than friends. That doesn't mean it has to be romantic or sexual. But we have something so strong, that nothing, not even time or distance apart or anything anybody says can interfere with it. And I am doing my best to have no expectations and to feel certain that the Universe will make it, as with everything, exactly what he and I need. Plus I think he still has a girlfriend and I don't ever want to be the cause of further complications in his life. I am his friend first and foremost. And I love him.
Back to the party. We talked some more. I talked with all my guests. I talked a lot with my friend Louise who I hadn't seen in over a year. At some point Flo Rida's Low came on and B asked me to dance. Hip Hop style dancing is not something I have loads of experience doing so I feolt both happy and self conscious but quickly got over it and had a great time dancing a silly sexy dance with him. It was so fun and I fell in love with him all over again. Some people had to leave and B asked for the cake to be brought back out from the kitchen where the club was keeping it for me. He took me on stage, made a speech and sang happy birthday to me. I made a wish (can anybody guess what it was?) and blew out the candles.
After the cake was shared people had to go. By the end it was B, Tina and I. B sang a Guns N Roses song and a bit later I performed an Evanescence song. The party was over. I had to get home to my doggie, Frankie, B was dead tired and had worked all day and had to work again the next day. B was such a gentleman. He walked me to my car and carried all my packages for me. We hugged and kissed again and he told me to call him if I wanted.
The next day while I was at the movies because that was my solo birthday treat to myself, he phoned and left a Happy Birthday voice mail. I was really touched. I sent him a thank you text and promised to phone him that night. I was really tired. No matter what time I go to bed, I never can seem to sleep in past 7am so after getting to sleep at around 3, I woke up at 7. I took a nap and phoned him at 10, but got his voice mail. I texted him a :) and a happy day b4 the day b4 his bday (his birthday is tomorrow, Happy Birthday B :) I love you!) And I tried phoning him again last night not because I was feeling nervous or sad, but just to say hey and thanks again for a wonderful night.
I know like I said that no matter what he and I will always have the strong, powerful, loving, soul level bond that we share together whether we talk regularly or see each other a lot or not. And anyway separation is only an illusion. No body is ever really apart and we, all of us are one. We just constantly forget that. Of course I hope he and I talk and see each other again soon. But if we don't, I know it's not about me. We all have lives and things we have to take care of. I can't say it enough, thank you everybody who came to my party and a big thank you to B my best guy friend and a super soul mate, B. Thinking about you always makes me smile :) Thanks again for the great book :) Love always xo from my heart and soul :) Happy Birthday for tomorrow! xo xo :)
Anonymous emails and small miracles Mood: bright Topic: Life
Anonymous email and small miracles :) Current mood: blessed Category: Life
I guess for awhile off and on I have been open to seeing synchronicity everywhere or in other words, small miracles. Most days, especially on days when my mood is not so bright, I am blind to them, but I have really been working hard since I started studying Kabbalah to remember that I am the cause of my own life and also to not be reactive to things, including things that I would feel really really upset or angry about or worse that would scare me. And now even those situations when I remember I and everybody are connected to the Light, become small miracles, sometimes even large miracles in their own right because they are the best tests and opportunities for me to reveal more Light and to learn something new.
Today, maybe because it is Shabbat, or maybe because I have been feeling especially contemplative and vigilant since my Kabbalah class last night, I have felt really connected and in that Love zone. Not an in love or romantic love zone, but that Love from the Universe, ie G-d zone. The one that makes me proudly sound like a happy go lucky G-d loving lady. The one that makes me feel connected to everyone and everything. It was a morning where even the songs I wanted to hear were playing on the radio.
And then the best miracle of all happened! I got an anonymous email - you know from an (unknown sender) so no email and sent from an Internet based anonymous email provider that allows people to send emails so that the recipient cannot trace the email address or the name of the sender. Now why is this a miracle? Usually when someone uses this kind of service, they are attempting to spread hate or anger or hurt to a person. And I don't doubt that maybe that was the intention of whoever sent the email to me.
But I don't feel hurt. I feel grateful for the email because it was a great test. Because I am a known poet locally and have an online presence as a writer as well, I have attracted both positive and negative attention. In the past when I would receive something even vaguely troll-like or stalker-ish, I would have felt both angry and afraid. But this morning I felt sort of amused and like I said before grateful.
But there was another miracle in the email. The words of the email itself were a reminder of my Kabbalah lessons because the email read "WHAT THE HELL YOU LOOKING FOR!!!!" and it made me think and remember that I and everybody else are looking for the Light which we experience as a feeling of fulfillment and that I really would rather have long term fulfillment and do the work to earn that fulfillment than short term fulfillment which may feel more comfortable initially and easier but which eventually just causes chaos in my life.
So whoever you are, mr or ms anonymous email sender I thank you and send you Light. Your message was a gift from the Creator :)
Ok everybody remember we are all the cause of our own lives and the Light is always on, even during what feels like our darkest hours :)
Lego my Ego aka I am my own opponent Current mood: confused Category: Life
For those of you who don't already know this, I'm studying Kabbalah. Well, more than studying it, I'm attempting to apply the principles I am learning in order to grow and learn and have a more fulfilling, positive life. At least that is the plan. It's not that I don't already know most of this stuff intellectually. God knows I've studyied and/or read a lot of stuff on mysticism, metaphysics, spirituality and religion as well as psychology and I am very good at helping my friends with this stuff and giving good counselling and advice, but somehow I've managed to avoid doing most of the work in my own life, especially the ego work. Hence I am participating in a class at the Kabbalah Centre which is very in depth and very satisfying, but also necessarilly challenging.
The hardest part is what I am working on right now. Mostly my ego rears it's ugly head in the form of insecurity and other types of fears. This tends to show up alot in relationships, especially romantic ones. In fact me ending my recent relationship which I documented in this blog was partly due to the fact that neither me or my ex were really communicating anymore effectively but mostly because of ego issues. And it doesn't matter whether his ego also came into play. I can only deal with and get rid of my own ego also known as the opponent in Kabbalah also known by other names, dark side is a good one. I can only change myself and by changing myself and how I react at a core level then I change how others respond and react to me.
I know my ego interferes with me bigtime in romantic relationships. It's the loudest voice and it tells me that whoever I am with will leave me or that they don't love me or find me attractive or any other host of negative self defeating phrases whenever I perceive that whoever I am with is not feeling something or is behaving in certain ways. It's what makes me react without thinking things through but will convince me that I have thought things through. It will erase every ounce of compassion I have if the person I am with is in pain or upset or distant but will convince me that I am being compassionate and it will also convince me to not stand up for myself and to send text messages or emails of love to a person who just needs space and time to work whatever it is they are working out on their own.
Of course I have other ego issues, but my insecurity and fear of abandonment in romantic relationships effects me the most. And the more deeply I feel for a person, the more intense my fears and insecurites are in the relationship and the more I likely I am to play an active role, usually unconsciously, in sabotaging that relationship. My ego is my own worst enemy. It's a constant battle.
I do not say this as a victim. I make choices every day. We all do. If I can learn to choose to really be the cause of my own life in other words to recognise that I am the cause of my own life and can react and act not from my ego but from my true inner core, from that God consciousness that is the Light inside, then I will have better relationships with myself and with others.
I'm not saying that if I had not consistently acted from of my ego with my most recent ex (known as B in these blogs) that we would still be together or that we would be friends. At the moment he isn't speaking to me. That's fine. His feelings are his feelings. He has a new girlfriend now and I wish both of them happiness and love. I too am dating. Moving on is a healthy and positive step. Does my ego wish he would contact me? Yes. Does my higher self, the Light in me understand why he doesn't and is that part of me ok with the fact that he may always hate me, always be angry with me and may never be my friend or may never contact me again? Yes. It's that part of me that always wishes him Love, Light, Happiness, Abundance, Health and Strength like I wish for all of my friends and family.
The funny thing is that I think I am still avoiding fully looking at my ego and all my blind spots and I am going completely into ego mode by judging myself severely and blaming myself rather than taking responsibility for things in my life. I will probably be revisiting this topic again in susequent blogs. I intend to document my current journey here. Hopefully it will help me and help others as well.
Recovery and Codependency revisited Mood: blue Topic: Life
Recovery and Codependency revisited Current mood: sad Category: Life
Since I am honest about my ongoing recovery from trauma, including abuse, abandonment, codependency and post traumatic issues and given some current events in my life, I wanted to post some links and a couple videos that I hope will help all of us struggling with traum/addiction/codependency. :) Remember, we can only change ourselves. Maybe by changing, anyr people we love who need to get help for themselves will change and will recognize that by staying in denial and continuing to harm themselves they are on a slow road to killing themselves, but maybe they never will recognize it and yes that is very sad and hard to watch. But the number one thing is, we can't ever help anyone if we are not taking care of ourselves first and we can never help anyone who refuses the help or is in denial that they need help.
These links are from sites on alcoholism but are applicable to all types of addiction and codependency. Addiction can be to a substance or a behavior such as sex, toxic relationships, food, etc. for example, codependency is a type of addiction to certain types of dysfunctional relationships. A codependent person thinks they are helping, but really they are enabling what ever behavior(s) they think they are helping to heal.
Facing the hurt and healing Mood: a-ok Topic: Life
Deleting friends and making up with old friends and facing all the hurt in order to heal Current mood: contemplative Category: Life
First a couple notes which actually summarize :
1)When I delete friends from myspace or facebook or any other site, I do it out of love. It is not a go away and never come back message or an attack. It's just is me being clear that I really mean what I say when I say I will not contact that person again until they contact me and I accept that the person may never ever contact me again in this lifetime. But my door and heart are always open. This is not to say I am waiting for them to return. I am not. I have always had a full life and I still do. I continue with my work of learning how to stay open and how to share and how to receive so I can share. What I am open to, receiving and sharing is Light/Love. The same goes if I block a person, friend or not. If a blocked person can show that they no longer wish to harm me, then I will remove the boundary. I do not block out of anger or hate, but out of love. We all need boundaries and shields from time to time. I am always sending everybody love and light.
2) t and I are slowly, tentatively beginning to talk again and help each other. We are doing a lot of work and have both been working while we were not able to talk to each other on ourselves and our understanding of things. It's going to be a long, hard road, but I am so grateful we have both been able to take these healing steps towards a loving, supportive, healing and lesson filled friendship. I want to make it clear that I never attacked t in any blogs and I never sent her any negative energy or did anything against her on any level of reality anbody who says or thinks that needs to look at the thing(s) in themselves that they need to take responsibility for that is being triggered and I send them Light and Love. I have only ever sent anyone light and love and healing because that is what my soul purpose is in this and most of my incarnations. Indeed, we are all here to receive the light and to share it because that process is how we evolve at a soul level. Avoiding pain or trying to avoid pain, actually only ever leads to more pain. Because when we avoid pain, we are no longer learning ie we are blocking the purpose of our soul. And our soul will attract more pain until we either finally figure it out that it's only us who is responsible for everything that happens in our lives or we end up slowly killing ourselves through what ever our unconscious favorite mode(s) of self destruction is/are. There is nothing outside of you that isn't within you. If you say so and so is giving me or a friend negative energy, what you are really saying is I have work to do and I need to heal myself, but I don't feel like it right now, so I'm just going to block the light and blame so and so or several other so and so's instead. Blocking light/energy will eventually kill a person. Blocking light/energy is another way of saying "stress." Think about it :) Question it. Don't take my word for it. It's ok if you don't agree. Just think about it :)
ok on to the rest of this convoluted trip that I'm so infinitely thankful for :)
Hi :) wow, what a wild journey life is. It's difficult but worth it and I don't mean that in a Pollyanna, preachy, new agey way at all. I am feeling grateful for every thing that has been happening recently and who knows where it will all lead but it is helping me and others (hopefully) let go and learn and grow and become better, more sharing and caring people. Every time we help ourselves and others, we not only become closer to God/The Light/The Universe/Your favorite term here ;) but we help others, even strangers we will never meet in the physical plane, get closer to their source.
I no longer feel guilty for not writing about politics or a formal series (yet) on mysticism and metaphysics because I realize my personal story is the series on spirituality and other areas of life because my spiritual purpose and what is happening in my personal, private life are inseparable.
I have an update on B. First, I finally wrote and sent the letter, I had promised to send to B (and that he asked me to send). With it I included some healing items that I intuitively felt were supposed to be included and that would help everybody finally let go, truly let go and if each person chooses, to actually begin to face ourselves and do the work to heal ourselves and learn the lessons our souls came here to learn. But my lessons are mine, B's are his and indeed anybody else involved lessons are their lessons. And that's great and wonderful. We are all responsible for doing the work we came here to do and none of is in charge of doing somebody else's work for them. We can help each other and sometimes letting go is the most loving way of helping someone, often it's the only way we can help. And we also can not blame another person for not being ready or willing or able to make their freewill choice to begin looking within instead of projecting outward and blaming everybody else for our own internal wounds and our own soul work. We are here to both receive and to love,l to share and we receive by sharing. We are all the causes of our own lives. We should never blame ourselves for what happens to others nor should we blame them for the choices they make. Responsibility and blame are not the same. I ask everybody who reads this to think about that. And to try if they are ready to stop blaming themselves and others or events for the things that they need to work on. And also please understand that we all have things to work on. We would not be living in bodies if we didn't. Having work to do is not bad or negative. The work, the struggle as well as the happiness and the joy are all gifts. The work helps our souls learn and grow. Nobody is ever really a terrible person and the people with most apparent darkness, pain and hurt have the most opportunity to change, grow and heal and reveal the Light to themselves and to the world if they choose. These people have the most potential as Light-workers and Light-bringers. And letting a situation, a relationship, a person go, is not the same as cutting them off or giving up on them or not loving them. It's a way to free the person and yourself so both people or how ever many people are involved in the situation can have the opportunity to learn and grow. Perhaps in the future the people will meet again. Perhaps not. That is not the point. The point is connecting to, receiving and sharing Light. That's it. Even in darkness, the Light is hidden. Be the cause, not the effect. Stop blaming. Take responsibility. And love, really love, especially if it is the hardest thing you have ever done. If it's hard, that's how you know you are headed in the right direction. If it's easy, turn a corner, try something new. Just be be be because we are all beautiful. :) And in the end how B responded or didn't respond to the letter, etc is not important. Everything, truly everything that happens is a Gift and if it happened then it was meant to happen just as it happened. What we all do with that and the choices we make to learn or not to learn from the Gifts we are given and that we give is all up to each and everyone of us. Thank you for reading. I love you all no matter how anybody feels about me or what anybody says about me. Love, Light is the only truth there is.
Currently listening : Love Hysteria By Peter Murphy Release date: 1995-06-20
B'shert and Walking the Line Between Healing and Codependency Topic: Life
B’shert and Walking the Line Between Healing and Codependency Current mood: grateful Category: Life
I know I said I was going to write about metaphysics and spirituality next but I'm studying some new things in that area and I'm not quite ready to write about that here so instead I have an update to the B and me saga which is ongoing. Well, duh. Everything is ongoing isn't it?
Anyway, B and I are trying to be friends. It's too soon probably. We still love each other but are still hurting each other. He has issues that effect his behavior. I have issues that effect my behavior. Right now how we are both dealing with our issues in relation to each other makes us a bad combination. He and I want to be able to be real friends to each other but he and I need to spend time apart to be able to move on and let each other go.
It's sad. It looked like we were going to be able to be friends and then at the last minute before we were supposed to meet we ended up in the old unhealthy and disfunctional pattern that both of us have made a resolution to end. I won't go into who did what or which one of us re-started the old behavior patterns. It's not about that. These patterns take at least 2 people to keep them going. There is no victim here. He and I both subconsciously know exactly what buttons to press on each other and we have not yet learned how to stop doing it just because we can.
The bond he and I have is very strong. It's a soulmate type thing. But I believe in more than 1 soulmate and have met others so I will meet another one again. Soulmates are rare and come in different varieties. Contrary to new age fairy tales they are not necessarilly a happily ever after completely joyful experience where two people magically totally understand each other and never hurt each other. They contain an enormous amount of potential and they can eventually become that wonderful and heaven on earth type relationship but first they involve deep work and deep healing which is not always pleasant or easy and sometimes one or both people just are not strong enough or ready for the healing and lessons that they teach. And that's ok. It doesn't mean anybody was bad or negative or poisonous. It just means that the people involved are not able to choose to complete this particular course at this time. All interactions and relationships hold lessons. A soulmate friendship is not more or less holy or desirable than any other type of relationship.
I do believe B and I are basherat. And maybe someday he will find his way back to me or maybe he won't. Maybe our souls will meet again but each with other people. The soul(s) that helped make B and me who we are also is/are in others. But it's still hard to let him go even if I know we will meet another soulmate or each other again someday. Maybe in a year he and I will be friends. I don't know. Maybe we will never be ready. That's why I am so sad and if I'm honest afraid because I really don't want to lose him forever but I also don't want to stand in his way. The letter I am trying to write is to him and about how to let go and if we can ever really become friends. He and I can only seem to communicate without hurting each other when I send him a letter via snail mail which he then phones me to thank me for. Maybe he'll write a letter back this time instead of phoning. Maybe the only way he and I can be friends for now is as penpals and that's ok.
He and I will always love each other but that doesn't mean we are able to be together as friends, lovers or husband and wife. We may never be able to be any of those things to each other. We are still having to see how it unfolds. Some things only G-d knows the answer to.
Vegas, I don't give a fuck about cliches! a love poem Mood: bright Topic: Writing/Art Process
Vegas, I don’t give a fuck about cliches! a love poem Current mood: awake Category: Writing and Poetry
.... Princess of Wands, from Thoth Tarot deck
Vegas, I don't give a fuck about cliches!
if a spade is a spade, then I can call a heart a heart. and ever since we met, mine overflows from my eyes, clear, lava, diamonds, I can see you under a chuppa, but is it? -- wedding day, clubs, yalmuke, black I just steal Ryan Adams. "And there's love enough left to fix it, but..." you broke up with me first. Too late, I know. I should have worn a poker face, can't go backwards, unlucky at cards; love, maybe someday, I'll show you my hand and melt into your mouth again joker, wild knave, treat me like a queen and worship you, be my king, the big blind, east texas hold 'em, full moon sunrise sunset, fold, drink, but... "there it is, we are only one push from the nest. there it is, we are only one argument from death...and there's love enough left to fix it"
Annette Sugden ver. 1.1/September,2008
Currently listening : Easy Tiger By Ryan Adams Release date: 2007-06-26
Last of the Arizona series Mood: chillin' Topic: Life
Last of the Arizona desert road migraine series and apologies Current mood: contemplative Category: Life
So I'm finally back in LA-land. I drove home under clear star filled skies Friday night and arrived home at around 3am Sat. morning. I'm still suffering from this seemingly endless chain of migraines. I think this current one was triggered by not being able to sleep when I got home Sat. Anyway, I woke up with it at a little after 3am this morning. The good news is, that I got about 12 hours of sleep and that B. and I are friends, really friends again.
After talking to B. yesterday via text I really want to make it clear that I never meant anything in my blog to be hurtful to him. I was being open and honest about my feelings about some of his behavior in the past. I am here and now apologising sincerely and publicly for hurting his feelings. That was never my intention. My blog is not used for revenge ever. I love B very much and I am happy that he and I are slowly rebuilding a friendship and are both open to something new and completely different. That is the truth. we both are.
I also want to make it clear that B. is a wonderful person with a good and generous heart. I need to say too that it takes at least 2 people to feed any conflict or misunderstanding and therefore I share equal responsibility for everything that has happened bad, good and in between in all of my friendships, including my friendship with B. I do not blame him or myself or any third parties for anything that has happened or will happen good, bad or in between. But we are all equally responsible for everything, ourselves and each other. Responsibility and blame are not the same.
My intention in sharing my personal emotional journey was a healing one for myself and for anybody going through or who has ever gone through a break up or loss of any type. I wanted to share my vulnerability and courage in being open and from the heart to show it's ok to be vulnerable and that there is a process to healing and grief that is healthy and necessary and has to be gone through in order to move on to new possibilities. Anger is part of that process. But once again I apologise to anybody, including B. who's feelings I may have hurt inadvertantly by my open and honest expression of my feelings.
This is the last of my Arizona/break-up journey series. It is a good place to end it since I am no longer in Arizona and since B. and I are happily and openly moving on to a more healthy and slower and stronger friendship that is more loving and open. I truly know and feel that. My attitude has completely changed about everything.
I thank my family, my friends and everybody else for helping me think through everything. I know there will be other bumps in other journeys and that's fine. It's all part of the exciting adventure of life. Thank you B. for being my friend. Good luck and keep safe if you end up helping with hurricane Ike in Florida. I love you. You are a great friend :)
I have great news for those of you tired of the more personal and self centered stuff that has been in my blogs lately, my next series of blogs is going to be on magick, metaphysics and other related topics. Also I will post some old and new poems again soon. Thanks for your understanding, support and patience.
bright
awake 
a-ok
blessed 
cool
vibrant 
d'oh
confused 
blue
sad 
contemplative 
grateful 
chillin'