Mood:  cool

Writer's block and traversing the baffling mine fields of singledom :)
Current mood:  artistic
Category: Life

I'll just say it once, I'm feeling a bit blocked as far as writing poetry goes and have been blocked for the last couple of weeks. But that's ok because maybe now I'll actually sit down and put together the chapbook I have been procrastinating about for the last 2 years out of insecurity or some kind of irrational fear that's not grounded in anything real.

Speaking of unreality, can I also mention or well confess that I don't really like being single. This may be odd since I have been single for longer periods of time than I have been in relationships, but when I get into long-term relationships I tend to stay in them for at least 4 years at a time. I don't count my most recent experience that I've recounted much of in this blog as a long-term relationship. It's more a part of the baffling minefield of dating or whatever the kids are calling it these days. And maybe that's the problem. Nobody has the same terms for anything and that's confusing enough. I know people who say they never date and yet they go out 1 on 1 with members of their gender of sexual and/or romantic preference and do things like drink or eat a meal or go to a movie or some other what my mother would term date like activity. So when exactly did dating become not dating and does insisting that something that by description looks like a date isn't a date, really make it not a date? Are we really all that afraid of getting to know each other that we are even afraid to call a date a date?

But maybe it isn't the activity that makes it a date. So to be sure I looked up the definition of date in the dictionary and here's what I found: date, noun, "an appointment to meet at a specified time; especially: a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character." The part that's interesting for this discussion is the phrase, "that often has a romantic character" and there's where times have changed. For example, I occasionally go out with or meet people in person that I originally met online, usually on a "dating" site such as ok cupid and recently for the first time with somebody I met on Myspace. I don't know these people really and they don't know me. And because we have never met, we have no idea if there is even any real mutual attraction or interest so how could a first or even a second meeting be termed a date? And then what if one person feels like it's a date but the other person doesn't? It's a lot less ambiguous to meet somebody at a bar or a party and talk a bit and then know that you'd definitely like to go out on a date with this person. Although even then it's not always clear these days. Most of us like to at least appear invulnerable and issue free, especially when we're trying to impress prospective romantic partners and most of us are afraid of rejection so we often don’t call a date, a date in case it isn’t and then it doesn’t feel or we think it won’t feel as bad if it doesn’t work out.

My confusion is I'd rather know where I stand so I can know how to behave without embarrassing myself. How flirtatious should I be on these non-date dates? I'm not looking for casual sex, so I'm not going to be worried about that but if I'm too platonic on a non-date date how do I convey that I may be interested in a date date in the future if there is mutual interest, but that if there isn't I'm fine continuing going on non date dates and/or becoming part of an extended circle of platonic friends. What if I make a wrong move or say the wrong thing inadvertently and a guy I'm interested in totally misinterprets it as something else? I’m not being insecure her. I have a wacky, sometimes odd sense of humor and I’m a proud dork so this is a real possibility lol.

What exactly are the rules of non-date dating anyway? And now I have another confession to make, since starting my study of Kabbalah, I am more baffled because Kabbalah has a set of suggestions or "rules" for dating and how women should behave in order to allow men to share or something like that. Do those "rules" apply to non-date dates? What about being a post-modern, post-feminist, post-punk woman? What if the guy I’m hanging out with isn’t studying Kabbalah? What if he’s a post- modern, post- feminist, post-punk? Some of the Kabbalah guidelines seem a bit retro. The reasoning is about women recognizing their worth and power, but I do recognize those. I have a pretty healthy sense of self and a positive self esteem, yet I don't always agree that a man has to pay for everything on dates not that that is the only way he can share or convey that he knows a woman has worth etc. What's wrong with going Dutch? I'd rather be equal. What if both of us don't make a lot of money? Actually eventually I prefer my mom's method of whoever invites pays, but in the beginning on non date dates when who knows if there will be a next non date date, let alone a date date, going Dutch makes sense. If a guy always had to pay, he'd have no money to go on non date dates, let alone date dates unless they are rich. I know I am non-date dating multiple guys and I assume they are also non-date dating multiple girls, at least I hope they are because I don't need any stalkers or misunderstandings and I would never want a guy I am seeing to feel pressured into paying all of the time. I’m an independent woman. I don’t need to be provided for financially. I can pay my own way. I don’t need or want a sugar daddy, thank you very much.

I guess you might say that figuring out whether it’s a date or a non date or a relationship all boils down to communication and emotional maturity. True. But how and where do you meet good communicators? Most of us aren't really taught good, strong communication skills. And we’re deathly afraid of appearing vulnerable. Just this past Sunday, a new friend was relating to me how hard it is for him to meet emotionally mature people and I agreed. I think I am usually emotionally mature, but I admit I have my blind spots and I do have issues. Still I try to communicate rather than freak out and I try to consider the other person and where they are coming from and what they need or want. Plus in dating whether it's non date dating or date date dating, I am trying to focus on friendship first and getting to know the person before I decide whether or not I want to kiss them or them to kiss me let alone get to full blown sex. It's not that I have a problem with casual sex or people that want casual sex; it's just that casual sex is not for me at this point in time. I'm more interested in friends and an eventual long-term relationship so the next person I have sex with will be a person that I am starting a romantic relationship with and that's it.

Who knows when that will be? I've had 2 non-date dates with a guy I like and would like to hang out with more but I'm baffled about where to go from here and who calls who and all that stuff. But I'll figure it out or not. And I have a couple other non-date dates lined up with a couple other guys over the next few days. If none of these guys turns into a romance it's fine. Maybe some of them will become good friends and who knows whom I'll meet. And while I say I hate being single because the whole dating thing is confusing to a post punk post dork dork who’s proud of her dorkiness and silliness, I am quite comfortable being alone and spending time alone. If I have no time to myself, then when can I write or draw or take pictures or meditate. And I'd rather be alone than in a bad relationship. And for now when I get horny I've got a good vibrator. The part of Kabbalah I'm working on in regards to all my relationships, romantic and platonic, is to at least attempt to have no agenda and to go with the flow. Sometimes I get there and other times I freak out, but only to my close friends. So my dates and non-dates never know. Well if any of them read this blog they do. I hope I have a 3rd non-date date with this new friend I mentioned but I make no assumptions. And now off to do homework and work on putting together that chapbook I mentioned :)

Currently listening: The Life Pursuit By Belle & Sebastian Release date: 2006-02-07

Posted by annettesugden at 6:33 PM PST

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Mood:  quizzical

January 6, 2009 - Tuesday

Happy New Year plus a new poem by me and 2 other poems by others :) Current mood: contemplative Category: Life "Here's wishing all creatures on this earth luck, love, and good health in winter and in summer as we go into what most people like to call 2009. Of course, it is not possible for every being to live lucky and healthy lives all at once, but we can be loving. There are choices we can make, from moment to moment. We can join ourselves and others, choose to see the ties that unite us, feed us, make our lives what they actually are." - Viggo Mortensen I couldn't say it any better than that. Life feels both grand and tough going these days for me and many people but not as tough as for some. I feel very blessed by many people, events and things. I have been struggling with the aftermath of a conflict with a person I love very much. I don't blame myself or this person for anything nor do I see them or me as negative or any feelings between us as negative. They may or may not share the same perspective. As a result of this conflict, and in the end a blessing for both of us, is the death of a few possible dreams of mine, not necessarilly of them. I am sad about the death of these dreams. Perhaps they are or maybe not. Perhaps they are dancing for joy. Perhaps they even hate me. None of that matters. None of these things is wrong. Nor right really. Neither of us are bad people. We may or may not even be good people. I miss them. This person showed me so many parts of myself that I was blocking and had denied even trying to escape from. As a result of knowing this person, I have begun to do some in depth personal and spiritual work over the last two months, including intense study of Kabbalah and other aspects of Judaism. I have a long way to go but already have seen many positive changes in myself and in how others respond to me. I know now that this person and I will not marry or be together in a romantic way. That is one of the dreams that died at 1:39am Jan 1, 2009. I don't regret addressing certain things I had avoided talking about with them for the last month. I thought long and hard about how to approach them. Perhaps there were other ways and other words I could have chosen, I don't know. Perhaps there were other words and actions this other person could have chosen. I believe as hard and sad as it things between us are right now, what happened was a gift and hopefully frees both of us and is what will ultimately allow both of us to reveal the most Light and share ruthlessly and ridiculously with the world. Perhaps even the possibility of future friendship was ruined. For my part, No. Even though my romantic feelings are dying, the core Love and bond is still there. I am not sure when or if this person and I will see each other or speak to each other again. I am sorry for hurting them and I forgive them for hurting me. Still trust, perhaps for both of us has been broken. I am no longer angry with him. I hope one day he will no longer be angry with me. And maybe one day when he looks over the times we shared and the conversations we had, he will see that although there were mistakes and misunderstandings, for the most part and even because of those mistakes and misunderstandings what we shared was beautiful, positive, loving and of the Light. I sincerely hope he finds what he is looking for and that God looks after him and protects him. He is a great soul and has the potential to reveal and share so much Light. We all reveal Light. And like I've always said, separation is an illusion, ultimately we are all, all of us, ONE. Good bye B for now. I love you as a friend, go with God and if I don't see you again this go around, perhaps we'll see each other again on the next one. And now a new-ish poem (from beginning of Dec, 2008) followed by poems by two other poets. Percival Press and Viggo Mortensen are great at finding poems, poets and quotes. :) The Opponent Has Hidden Our Ark of the Covenant Again Because your room is cold and we don't hold each other anymore, you embrace me with your Marc Ecko cut and sew hoodie. I'm Marion, you're Indy. We are made of Legosä. We play games on tv, lying on your broken bed, feet entwined, we giggle, press buttons as I hit you with a shovel and you encircle my waist with your whip, pull me in for a virtual kiss. Later when we talk, you refuse to hold my hand, pace around the periphery, jangle loose change, wont' look at me. At home I spritz your creamy jacket with perfume and rose water, sleep inside its hollows, wear it, you, everywhere so when I return it, you won't forget my smell. We both know you're a liar, you still love me. We're just afraid to open the Xbox.       Annette Sugden ver. 1.5/December,2008 Walkers with the Dawn Being walkers with the dawn and morning, Walkers with the sun and morning, We are not afraid of night, Nor days of gloom, Nor darkness-- Being walkers with the sun and morning. —Langston Hughes A Few Words On The Soul We have a soul at times. No one's got it non-stop, for keeps. Day after day, year after year may pass without it. Sometimes it will settle for awhile only in childhood's fears and raptures. Sometimes only in astonishment that we are old. It rarely lends a hand in uphill tasks, like moving furniture, or lifting luggage, or going miles in shoes that pinch. It usually steps out whenever meat needs chopping or forms have to be filled. For every thousand conversations it participates in one, if even that, since it prefers silence. Just when our body goes from ache to pain, it slips off-duty. It's picky: it doesn't like seeing us in crowds, our hustling for a dubious advantage and creaky machinations make it sick. Joy and sorrow aren't two different feelings for it. It attends us only when the two are joined. We can count on it when we're sure of nothing and curious about everything. Among the material objects it favors clocks with pendulums and mirrors, which keep on working even when no one is looking. It won't say where it comes from or when it's taking off again, though it's clearly expecting such questions. We need it but apparently it needs us for some reason too. —Wislawa Szymborska (translated from the Polish by Stanislaw Baranczak and Clare Cavanagh) We are obliged to respect, defend and maintain the common bonds of union and fellowship that exist among all members of the human race. —Cicero Currently reading : The Spiritual Rules of Engagement: How Kabbalah Can Help Your Soul Mate Find You By Yehuda Berg

Posted by annettesugden at 6:01 PM PST

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Mood:  bright

Anonymous email and small miracles :)
Current mood: blessed
Category: Life

I guess for awhile off and on I have been open to seeing synchronicity everywhere or in other words, small miracles. Most days, especially on days when my mood is not so bright, I am blind to them, but I have really been working hard since I started studying Kabbalah to remember that I am the cause of my own life and also to not be reactive to things, including things that I would feel really really upset or angry about or worse that would scare me. And now even those situations when I remember I and everybody are connected to the Light, become small miracles, sometimes even large miracles in their own right because they are the best tests and opportunities for me to reveal more Light and to learn something new.

Today, maybe because it is Shabbat, or maybe because I have been feeling especially contemplative and vigilant since my Kabbalah class last night, I have felt really connected and in that Love zone. Not an in love or romantic love zone, but that Love from the Universe, ie G-d zone. The one that makes me proudly sound like a happy go lucky G-d loving lady. The one that makes me feel connected to everyone and everything. It was a morning where even the songs I wanted to hear were playing on the radio.

And then the best miracle of all happened! I got an anonymous email - you know from an (unknown sender) so no email and sent from an Internet based anonymous email provider that allows people to send emails so that the recipient cannot trace the email address or the name of the sender. Now why is this a miracle? Usually when someone uses this kind of service, they are attempting to spread hate or anger or hurt to a person. And I don't doubt that maybe that was the intention of whoever sent the email to me.

But I don't feel hurt. I feel grateful for the email because it was a great test. Because I am a known poet locally and have an online presence as a writer as well, I have attracted both positive and negative attention. In the past when I would receive something even vaguely troll-like or stalker-ish, I would have felt both angry and afraid. But this morning I felt sort of amused and like I said before grateful.

But there was another miracle in the email. The words of the email itself were a reminder of my Kabbalah lessons because the email read "WHAT THE HELL YOU LOOKING FOR!!!!" and it made me think and remember that I and everybody else are looking for the Light which we experience as a feeling of fulfillment and that I really would rather have long term fulfillment and do the work to earn that fulfillment than short term fulfillment which may feel more comfortable initially and easier but which eventually just causes chaos in my life.

So whoever you are, mr or ms anonymous email sender I thank you and send you Light. Your message was a gift from the Creator :)

Ok everybody remember we are all the cause of our own lives and the Light is always on, even during what feels like our darkest hours :)

Currently reading : The Power of Kabbalah: Technology for the Soul By Yehuda Berg

Posted by annettesugden at 8:35 PM PST

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Mood:  d'oh

Lego my Ego aka I am my own opponent
Current mood: confused
Category: Life

For those of you who don't already know this, I'm studying Kabbalah. Well, more than studying it, I'm attempting to apply the principles I am learning in order to grow and learn and have a more fulfilling, positive life. At least that is the plan. It's not that I don't already know most of this stuff intellectually. God knows I've studyied and/or read a lot of stuff on mysticism, metaphysics, spirituality and religion as well as psychology and I am very good at helping my friends with this stuff and giving good counselling and advice, but somehow I've managed to avoid doing most of the work in my own life, especially the ego work. Hence I am participating in a class at the Kabbalah Centre which is very in depth and very satisfying, but also necessarilly challenging.

The hardest part is what I am working on right now. Mostly my ego rears it's ugly head in the form of insecurity and other types of fears. This tends to show up alot in relationships, especially romantic ones. In fact me ending my recent relationship which I documented in this blog was partly due to the fact that neither me or my ex were really communicating anymore effectively but mostly because of ego issues. And it doesn't matter whether his ego also came into play. I can only deal with and get rid of my own ego also known as the opponent in Kabbalah also known by other names, dark side is a good one. I can only change myself and by changing myself and how I react at a core level then I change how others respond and react to me.

I know my ego interferes with me bigtime in romantic relationships. It's the loudest voice and it tells me that whoever I am with will leave me or that they don't love me or find me attractive or any other host of negative  self defeating phrases whenever I perceive that whoever I am with is not feeling something or is behaving in certain ways. It's what makes me react without thinking things through but will convince me that I have thought things through. It will erase every ounce of compassion I have if the person I am with is in pain or upset or distant but will convince me that I am being compassionate and it will also convince me to not stand up for myself and to send text messages or emails of love to a person who just needs space and time to work whatever it is they are working out on their own.

Of course I have other ego issues, but my insecurity and fear of abandonment in romantic relationships effects me the most. And the more deeply I feel for a person, the more intense my fears and insecurites are in the relationship and the more I likely I am to play an active role, usually unconsciously, in sabotaging that relationship. My ego is my own worst enemy. It's a constant battle.

I do not say this as a victim. I make choices every day. We all do. If I can learn to choose to really be the cause of my own life in other words to recognise that I am the cause of my own life and can react and act not from my ego but from my true inner core, from that God consciousness that is the Light inside, then I will have  better relationships with myself and with others.

I'm not saying that if I had not consistently acted from of my ego with my most recent ex (known as B in these blogs) that we would still be together or that we would be friends. At the moment he isn't speaking to me. That's fine. His feelings are his feelings. He has a new girlfriend now and I wish both of them happiness and love. I too am dating. Moving on is a healthy and positive step. Does my ego wish he would contact me? Yes. Does my higher self, the Light in me understand why he doesn't and is that part of me ok with the fact that he may always hate me, always be angry with me and may never be my friend or may never contact me again? Yes. It's that part of me that always wishes him Love, Light, Happiness, Abundance, Health and Strength like I wish for all of my friends and family.

The funny thing is that I think I am still avoiding fully looking at my ego and all my blind spots and I am going completely into ego mode by judging myself severely and blaming myself rather than taking responsibility for things in my life. I will probably be revisiting this topic again in susequent blogs. I intend to document my current journey here. Hopefully it will help me and help others as well.

Currently reading : Living Kabbalah: A Practical System for Making the Power Work for You By Yehuda Berg

Posted by annettesugden at 6:57 PM PST

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Mood:  blue

Recovery and Codependency revisited
Current mood: sad
Category: Life

Since I am honest about my ongoing recovery from trauma, including abuse, abandonment, codependency and post traumatic issues and given some current events in  my life, I wanted to post some links and a couple videos that I hope will help all of us struggling with traum/addiction/codependency. :) Remember, we can only change ourselves. Maybe by changing, anyr people we love who need to get help for themselves will change and will recognize that by staying in denial and continuing to harm themselves they are on a slow road to killing themselves, but maybe they never will recognize it and yes that is very sad and hard to watch. But the number one thing is, we can't ever help anyone if we are not taking care of ourselves first and we can never help anyone who refuses the help or is in denial that they need help.





These links are from sites on alcoholism but are applicable to all types of addiction and codependency. Addiction can be to a substance or a behavior such as sex, toxic relationships, food, etc. for example, codependency is a type of addiction to certain types of dysfunctional relationships. A codependent person thinks they are helping, but really they are enabling what ever behavior(s) they think they are helping to heal.

Codependency Resourse
Info on denial and enabling
More information
More help
One person's struggle with recovery
Even more help and information


Another video, the embedding is disabled so I can just post a link to youtube.

It's Never Too Late by 3 Days Grace

Currently listening : Rain Dogs By Tom Waits Release date: 1990-06-15

Posted by annettesugden at 2:18 PM PDT

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Mood:  a-ok

Deleting friends and making up with old friends and facing all the hurt in order to heal
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

First a couple notes which actually summarize :

1)When I delete friends from myspace or facebook or any other site, I do it out of love. It is not a go away and never come back message or an attack. It's just is me being clear that I really mean what I say when I say I will not contact that person again until they contact me and I accept that the person may never ever contact me again in this lifetime. But my door and heart are always open. This is not to say I am waiting for them to return. I am not. I have always had a full life and I still do. I continue with my work of learning how to stay open and how to share and how to receive so I can share. What I am open to, receiving and sharing is Light/Love.
The same goes if I block a person, friend or not. If a blocked person can show that they no longer wish to harm me, then I will remove the boundary. I do not block out of anger or hate, but out of love. We all need boundaries and shields from time to time. I am always sending everybody love and light.

2) t and I are slowly, tentatively beginning to talk again and help each other. We are doing a lot of work and have both been working while we were not able to talk to each other on ourselves and our understanding of things. It's going to be a long, hard road, but I am so grateful we have both been able to take these healing steps towards a loving, supportive, healing and lesson filled friendship. I want to make it clear that I never attacked t in any blogs and I never sent her any negative energy or did anything against her on any level of reality anbody who says or thinks that needs to look at the thing(s) in themselves that they need to take responsibility for that is being triggered and I send them Light and Love. I have only ever sent anyone light and love and healing because that is what my soul purpose is in this and most of my incarnations. Indeed, we are all here to receive the light and to share it because that process is how we evolve at a soul level. Avoiding pain or trying to avoid pain, actually only ever leads to more pain. Because when we avoid pain, we are no longer learning ie we are blocking the purpose of our soul. And our soul will attract more pain until we either finally figure it out that it's only us who is responsible for everything that happens in our lives or we end up slowly killing ourselves through what ever our unconscious favorite mode(s) of self destruction is/are. There is nothing outside of you that isn't within you. If you say so and so is giving me or a friend negative energy, what you are really saying is I have work to do and I need to heal myself, but I don't feel like it right now, so I'm just going to block the light and blame so and so or several other so and so's instead. Blocking light/energy will eventually kill a person. Blocking light/energy is another way of saying "stress." Think about it :) Question it. Don't take my word for it. It's ok if you don't agree. Just think about it :)

ok on to the rest of this convoluted trip that I'm so infinitely thankful for :)

Hi :) wow, what a wild journey life is. It's difficult but worth it and I don't mean that in a Pollyanna, preachy, new agey way at all. I am feeling grateful for every thing that has been happening recently and who knows where it will all lead but it is helping me and others (hopefully) let go and learn and grow and become better, more sharing and caring people. Every time we help ourselves and others, we not only become closer to God/The Light/The Universe/Your favorite term here ;) but we help others, even strangers we will never meet in the physical plane, get closer to their source.

I no longer feel guilty for not writing about politics or a formal series (yet) on mysticism and metaphysics because I realize my personal story is the series on spirituality and other areas of life because my spiritual purpose and what is happening in my personal, private life are inseparable.

I have an update on B. First, I finally wrote and sent the letter, I had promised to send to B (and that he asked me to send). With it I included some healing items that I intuitively felt were supposed to be included and that would help everybody finally let go, truly let go and if each person chooses, to actually begin to face ourselves and do the work to heal ourselves and learn the lessons our souls came here to learn. But my lessons are mine, B's are his and indeed anybody else involved lessons are their lessons. And that's great and wonderful. We are all responsible for doing the work we came here to do and none of is in charge of doing somebody else's work for them. We can help each other and sometimes letting go is the most loving way of helping someone, often it's the only way we can help. And we also can not blame another person for not being ready or willing or able to make their freewill choice to begin looking within instead of projecting outward and blaming everybody else for our own internal wounds and our own soul work. We are here to both receive and to love,l to share and we receive by sharing. We are all the causes of our own lives. We should never blame ourselves for what happens to others nor should we blame them for the choices they make. Responsibility and blame are not the same. I ask everybody who reads this to think about that. And to try if they are ready to stop blaming themselves and others or events for the things that they need to work on. And also please understand that we all have things to work on. We would not be living in bodies if we didn't. Having work to do is not bad or negative. The work, the struggle as well as the happiness and the joy are all gifts. The work helps our souls learn and grow. Nobody is ever really a terrible person and the people with most apparent darkness, pain and hurt have the most opportunity to change, grow and heal and reveal the Light to themselves and to the world if they choose. These people have the most potential as Light-workers and Light-bringers. And letting a situation, a relationship, a person go, is not the same as cutting them off or giving up on them or not loving them. It's a way to free the person and yourself so both people or how ever many people are involved in the situation can have the opportunity to learn and grow. Perhaps in the future the people will meet again. Perhaps not. That is not the point. The point is connecting to, receiving and sharing Light. That's it. Even in darkness, the Light is hidden. Be the cause, not the effect. Stop blaming. Take responsibility. And love, really love, especially if it is the hardest thing you have ever done. If it's hard, that's how you know you are headed in the right direction. If it's easy, turn a corner, try something new. Just be be be because we are all beautiful. :) And in the end how B responded or didn't respond to the letter, etc is not important. Everything, truly everything that happens is a Gift and if it happened then it was meant to happen just as it happened. What we all do with that and the choices we make to learn or not to learn from the Gifts we are given and that we give is all up to each and everyone of us. Thank you for reading. I love you all no matter how anybody feels about me or what anybody says about me. Love, Light is the only truth there is.

Currently listening : Love Hysteria By Peter Murphy Release date: 1995-06-20

Posted by annettesugden at 12:46 PM PDT

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B’shert and Walking the Line Between Healing and Codependency
Current mood: grateful
Category: Life

I know I said I was going to write about metaphysics and spirituality next but I'm studying some new things in that area and I'm not quite ready to write about that here so instead I have an update to the B and me saga which is ongoing. Well, duh. Everything is ongoing isn't it?

Anyway, B and I are trying to be friends. It's too soon probably. We still love each other but are still hurting each other. He has issues that effect his behavior. I have issues that effect my behavior. Right now how we are both dealing with our issues in relation to each other makes us a bad combination. He and I want to be able to be real friends to each other but he and I need to spend time apart to be able to move on and let each other go.

It's sad. It looked like we were going to be able to be friends and then at the last minute before we were supposed to meet we ended up in the old unhealthy and disfunctional pattern that both of us have made a resolution to end. I won't go into who did what or which one of us re-started the old behavior patterns. It's not about that. These patterns take at least 2 people to keep them going. There is no victim here. He and I both subconsciously know exactly what buttons to press on each other  and we have not yet learned how to stop doing it just because we can.

The bond he and I have is very strong. It's a soulmate type thing. But I believe in more than 1 soulmate and have met others so I will meet another one again. Soulmates are rare and come in different varieties. Contrary to new age fairy tales they are not necessarilly a happily ever after completely joyful experience where two people magically totally understand each other and never hurt each other. They contain an enormous amount of potential and they can eventually become that wonderful and heaven on earth type relationship but first they involve deep work and deep healing which is not always pleasant or easy and sometimes one or both people just are not strong enough or ready for the healing and lessons that they teach. And that's ok. It doesn't mean anybody was bad or negative or poisonous. It just means that the people involved are not able to choose to complete this particular course at this time. All interactions and relationships hold lessons. A soulmate friendship is not more or less holy or desirable than any other type of relationship.

I do believe B and I are basherat. And maybe someday he will find his way back to me or maybe he won't. Maybe our souls will meet again but each with other people. The soul(s) that helped make B and me who we are also is/are in others. But it's still hard to let him go even if I know we will meet another soulmate or each other again someday. Maybe in a year he and I will be friends. I don't know. Maybe we will never be ready. That's why I am so sad and if I'm honest afraid because I really don't want to lose him forever but I also don't want to stand in his way. The letter I am trying to write is to him and about how to let go and if we can ever really become friends. He and I can only seem to communicate without hurting each other when I send him a letter via snail mail which he then phones me to thank me for. Maybe he'll write a letter back this time instead of phoning. Maybe the only way he and I can be friends for now is as penpals and that's ok.

He and I will always love each other but that doesn't mean we are able to be together as friends, lovers or husband and wife. We may never be able to be any of those things to each other. We are still having to see how it unfolds. Some things only G-d knows the answer to.



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Now playing: Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire
via FoxyTunes   

Currently reading : Honey from the Rock: An Introduction to Jewish Mysticism By Lawrence Kushner

Posted by annettesugden at 12:23 PM PDT

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Mood:  chillin'

Last of the Arizona desert road migraine series and apologies
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

So I'm finally back in LA-land. I drove home under clear star filled skies Friday night and arrived home at around 3am Sat. morning. I'm still suffering from this seemingly endless chain of migraines. I think this current one was triggered by not being able to sleep when I got home Sat. Anyway, I woke up with it at a little after 3am this morning. The good news is, that I got about 12 hours of sleep and that B. and I are friends, really friends again.
 
After talking to B. yesterday via text I really want to make it clear that I never meant anything in my blog to be hurtful to him. I was being open and honest about my feelings about some of his behavior in the past. I am here and now apologising sincerely and publicly for hurting his feelings. That was never my intention. My blog is not used for revenge ever. I love B very much and I am happy that he and I are slowly rebuilding a friendship and are both open to something new and completely different. That is the truth. we both are.

I also want to make it clear that B. is a wonderful person with a good and generous heart. I need to say too that it takes at least 2 people to feed any conflict or misunderstanding and therefore I share equal responsibility for everything that has happened bad, good and in between in all of my friendships, including my friendship with B. I do not blame him or myself or any third parties for anything that has happened or will happen good, bad or in between. But we are all equally responsible for everything, ourselves and each other. Responsibility and blame are not the same.

My intention in sharing my personal emotional journey was a healing one for myself and for anybody going through or who has ever gone through a break up or loss of any type. I wanted to share my vulnerability and courage in being open and from the heart to show it's ok to be vulnerable and that there is a process to healing and grief that is healthy and necessary and has to be gone through in order to move on to new possibilities. Anger is part of that process. But once again I apologise to anybody, including B. who's feelings I may have hurt inadvertantly by my open and honest expression of my feelings.

This is the last of my Arizona/break-up journey series. It is a good place to end it since I am no longer in Arizona and since B. and I are happily and openly moving on to a more healthy and slower and stronger friendship that is more loving and open. I truly know and feel that. My attitude has completely changed about everything.

I thank my family, my friends and everybody else for helping me think through everything. I know there will be other bumps in other journeys and that's fine. It's all part of the exciting adventure of life. Thank you B. for being my friend. Good luck and keep safe if you end up helping with hurricane Ike in Florida. I love you. You are a great friend :)

I have great news for those of you tired of the more personal and self centered stuff that has been in my blogs lately, my next series of blogs is going to be on magick, metaphysics and other related topics. Also I will post some old and new poems again soon. Thanks for your understanding, support and patience.

Currently watching : Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium (Widescreen Edition) Release date: 2008-03-04

Posted by annettesugden at 1:54 PM PDT

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Mood:  don't ask

No go for Runyan Canyon for this coyote woman
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life

So I'm still in Arizona. I've been having roughly 4 days of severe migraine headaches which means pain worse than anything that can be described, obstructed vision by weird little colored lights and halos thingies, severe nausea leading to vomiting and the sensitivity to everything leading to increased pain and more barfing plus dizziness and vertigo oh joy! As if being in love with a guy who behaves like a jerk towards me 95% of the time wasn't bad enough and as if my openness in my blog about most aspects of my life that I feel like talking about here, including the painful ones isn't enough to make any superficial and scared sleeper idiots run away and hide or take a cheap shot and accuse me of whining and/or needing some sort of help since to them vulnerability means broken, to me it means extreme courage and strength now I have to write about headaches in addition to heartaches. Oh well, if you know me well, then you should be used to it by now and those who don't can go ... ok back to business.

Since I won't be in L.A. at 6pm today, I will not be at the overlook area of Runyan Canyon. That's 2 canyons I've had to skip in the last week (remember the Grand Canyon). But it's fine because the amazingly mature and thoughtful and caring of others B (read facetious tone here please) sent me a text informing me that he won't be there because he "has plans." Yes he used that typical, boring, bullshit line of all lines that says " I just do not care enough about you or our friendship to bother even saying good bye like a mensch would since I am a coward and just want to hide behind alcohol and the fantasy little boy world I have created with my roommate and other alcoholics to avoid having to deal with anything real." But I give him some credit for at least letting me know he couldn't come. Out of a possiblility of 10 brownie points, he gets maybe a half of a point. Hooray! I guess I am back in the angry mode of the break up emotional phase and it's about time too!

In his text he also said for me to say hi to my mother. That's nice, but kind of why???? They have never met. She doesn't like or dislike him since she doesn't know him. But since my mom and I are close and she is one of my best friends, she knows everything about my behavior, his behavior and his roommate's behavior. She is also very wise about matters of the heart and how men think. She is a very good benchmark for me and good at giving me reality checks and confirming when a guy is just being a guy and when he is being an asshole and a jerk. She confirms, he has been a jerk and an asshole towards me and she has endured many tearful phonecalls over the last few months and so she is not terribly happy with him at the moment. In fact since I have been visiting her she has been doing her best at pretending he no longer exists and is persona non grata in my life. He actually texted me to say he doesn't understand why my mom wouldn't be happy with him. huh? what?

And not that I am perfect. But lets see, what exactly are my crimes? I fell in love with him and after he told me he loved me, I told him. Oh and sometimes I would wish him a good day. Wow. Scary. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Be careful with those happy joy joy feelings there lady. Also I asked him to actually communicate and not tell me everything, but even just to tell me when he needed space or when he didn't agree with me or maybe even just what fucking restarant he wanted to go to. Wow, what an annoying nag I am.

The thing is, he told me, promised me, assured me that he is so unique and not a player (players are not just guys who date lots of women, that is one type, there is also the player who plays women to get them to admit they love them for their own ego gratification and then drops then flat as soon as that happens, he is one of the latter and yes, I know I broke up with him, but only after his behavior showed he seemed to be done with me. I just did the hard part for him). He told me he never took women for granted and that communication was important (and yes all this was even after we'd slept together). But then he turned into the most boring, typical, unoriginal asshole. Next to disfunctional, unable to really be in a real relationship, emotionally retarded boy-man is a picture of him. I figured this out early on. But I loved him anyway. I still love him. I am just incredibly angry at him right now. I knew I couldn't change him and that he might always be stuck in his arrested state of development. But I was hoping against hope, that maybe somehow he wouldn't end up turning against me in spite of his and would stay open like he was when we first started dating. I needed that because I was wide open and vulnerable.

As we know, that didn't happen. He took the power and used texting to control me and communication with me. Trying to control me is a number one no no. Because I hate being told what to do, except for fun in a role play situation that has a clear end and involves mutual orgasm(s).

Actually I have come to believe that he never really ever loved me at all. He like so many of us has a hole, a deep wound. But unlike those of us who are grownups, he hasn't realized that no-one can fill that hole, but himself. So when he saw me across the room at Ida's party, he felt lust and infatuation and that felt good. He became in love with that feeling and forgot about his hole, his wounds for a time. But then after a couple weeks, and because his hole is deep and because nobody, not even me could fill it, he began to change and close up and blame me unconsciously for not being able to fill the hole or at least protect him from the knowledge that it existed. I became a real person and not a fantasy.

Yes, I have wounds and issues too. And I know everybody does. But it's not the wounds, its how a person is dealing with their wounds and hole that counts. If a person is looking for others to fill the hole or heal them so they can escape from life and then themselves, then they will never ever be able to have a healthy romantic relationship, a real and adult and full relationship. I know I am the only one who can inject light into my own darkness. I am fine alone. I get lonely sure. But I am complete as myself. I do not need to be completed. I come to relationships looking to create something new and to learn about myself and another person, to grow. That merging creates a third piece, so 2 people don't become one in a sense of 2 halves making a whole. No, they become one in the sense of 2 people merging to create a third, a trinity. From that place they can seperate and remerge at will. And that's what is so beautiful. But he's not ready for that and may never be.

So that's why even though I love him. I have to have time and space away from him. Maybe we will someday become friends again. But right now. He isn't behaving like a friend. He's behaving like a controlling boy who just wants to keep me on a string in case he gets horny or lonely or some other woman doesn't work out and that just isn't me. And so I have to go. Like I said. Him not being able to come to Runyan Canyon today tells me a very clear and certain type of good bye for now.

Currently watching : 3:10 to Yuma (Widescreen Edition) Release date: 2008-01-08

Posted by annettesugden at 1:27 PM PDT

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