 | I just wanted a haircut and a poem from a couple years ago
Current mood:  awake
Category: Writing and Poetry Do I post the poem first, or just type the strange but true story I was going to type? These are the thoughts that often go through my mind before I type my blog entries. Those two and the I wonder if this will be the blog that gets insane, delusional or mean comments or just ignored as usual. I guess any attention is attention, but still I'd rather people not post untrue or delusional things about me on my blog.
And yes, this is more about my breakup and what preceded it. I'm still working it out and morning the loss and transition of it into, well I don't know what frankly. I'd like to be friends with this ex, because I love him deeply and always will and because he was never abusive, he just isn't ready for the type of relationship I want and need and maybe never will be and it seems something about being romantically involved with me was turning him into an increasingly closed off and uncommunicative jerk, I thought maybe it would be better and less hurtful for both of us if I broke the romantic part of our relationship off. But now it appears he isn't speaking to me for real. So it seems he at least for now doesn't want my friendship. It hurts a lot. I miss him. Some days I feel really strong and like I have moved on and then other days I just cry a lot and pet my dog.
If I am truthful another factor in the breakup was the odd triangle dynamic that arose between me, him and his well-meaning (I hope) but delusional and/or unconsciously jealous/envious and consciously meddling roommate, tinalove who posted the deleted comments on my previous blog entry. Now I wish tinalove no ill will or harm, but I am angry with her and also I do not trust her at all and here is why:
When I first met her she didn't say "hi" first or "nice to meet you," but "wow, you're really pretty" in a surprised and odd tone of voice. It struck me as odd. But then I thought maybe she was just complimenting me. The more I stayed there after B's and my dates, the more I observed her mothering qualities and something else like maybe she felt something for B. Then B confessed to me that before he had met me he and his roommate had slept together but had decided to just be friends. I wasn't sure what to think about this given her strange behavior but I decided since B cared about her and since B has no real living immediate family, I decided maybe she was a surrogate mother figure for him since she kind of has that kind of energy towards her clients (she's a hairdresser who works out of her living room).
Also because tinalove and I had some similar metaphysical interests, it seemed like she and I might actually be able to become friends. So I asked about haircuts eventhough I have a regular hairdresser who I like, although I wasn't happy with how my most recent haircut had grown out. tinalove often works on trade so I traded doing her chart for a haricut and color. I also gave her as gifts a fairy candle and an angel scent pendant with scent. I am a very generous person and often give gifts to my friends if I see something that reminds me of them or that they might like. I had opened my heart to her inspite of my misgivings. Anyway, we made an appointment for a Sun afternoon.
B and I had been having some minor growing pains and miscommunication and he was moody often and running hot and cold. One date he's be sensual and romantic which I love and the next date he'd be aloof and uncommunicative which drives me up the wall because even if it wasn't about me or the relationship it's always hard to not take aloof behavior personally if the mood feels like it's being taken out on you. The night before my appointment I had met B at a bar at his request. I gave him some spontaneous little trinket gifts I had bought at the Lotus Festival earlier that evening and his reaction was as if they were sort of poison or a non reaction really and when we got in his car he just threw them in the backseat which was odd because one of the items was breakable. Then we went for pie at Apple Pan and he parked so I couldn't get out of the car and when I asked him politely to move it so I could get out, he actually asked me to climb over the gear shift etc. I insisted he move it so he did. Then we went back to the apt where he rents a room from tinalove (she calls it her apt) and he left the gifts I gave him in his car but remembered to bring some postcard in. tinalove was there with another woman but neither of them had seen any of the interaction between us all evening nor his behavior towards me all evening so had no background for what was really the climax of an argument. I asked him if he had the stuff I had gave him. He said no. I was already feeling hurt by him so I told him it was odd he could remember a piece of paper from a stranger at the airport but he couldn't remember a gift from the woman he loves. Probably I should have waited until we were in his room to say that. But I am human and far from perfect. I guess my bluntness rubbed tinalove the wrong way as I was to discover the next day.
I didn't stay the night with B because I had to get home to my dog and he and I were not exactly having the most romantic evening and both needed some space. So the next afternoon I drove back to the apt. tinalove was finishing up with her previous client. I asked if she was hungry. They both were so the 3 of us went to lunch. We had a great time talking and sampling delicious vegan food. Then we said goodbye to the other client and went back to the apt. I presented tinalove with a gift I had bought at the Lotus Festival. And she thanked me and told me I was pure love but had an odd look on her face and asked if I'd be offended if she saged it. I told her know and that I understood since it had probably been handled by a lot of people at the fair.
Then we sat on the sofa, keep in mind, I knew tinalove is a psychic medium like me but I was not there for a reading but a haircut and anywhy what happened next was not a reading but delusionaly bullshit mixed with negative remarks about B and my and B's relationship and specifically about my ungly energy. She also told me I was not welcome in her house if I was in a state where I was "transforming the energy of a room." I felt really ill and attacked and betrayed. I just wanted to go. I started to gather my purse and told her I was leaving. Then I stood up and went towards the front door. But she was closer to it so she got up and locked it and told me not to go. I was really frightened. I screamed at her that I needed to go, that it wasn't my fault and for her to get away from me as I ran for the backdoor. She was right behind me but I got to the door first. She was yelling at me to stay and that my defenses were bad. I was screaming at her to leave me alone and stay away from me as I ran to my car and drove away. It was one of the most strange and frightening experiences I have had and I've had some strange ones being a psychic, an artist and a survivor of childhood abuse. What would she have done to me if she had also been able to lock and block the back door and I still tried to leave? Her energy and demeanor were completely different from how I had seen her before and from how she had been when the other woman had been present at lunch.
I immediately called some friends who asked me if I had phoned the police because what she had done was a form of assault and trying to keep someone from leaving against their will is also a very serious and illegal thing to do.. I said no, I hadn't. I had been really shaken and sometimes I am too nice and question and deny how serious the behavior of others can be. Which is why I have a strong network of friends who can verify when something is crazy or dangerous and when something is just my own fears clouding reality. This time they were very concerned.
The next thing I did was contact B. He was at work but he needed to know from my end what happened since he was my boyfriend and it involved his roommate and also because I knew she would tell a completely different version of events to make me look like a crazy, negative drama generating and wounded person in need of healing etc. B and I also needed to work out our misunderstanding from the night before. He and I seemed to work things out but his denial of the seriousness and insanity of tinalove's behavior concerned me. He told me that she was probabloy just trying to help me. How is trying to keep someone in her apartment against their will helpful and loving and healing behavior? Maybe I should have broken up with him then, but I love him and so I didn't. Plus he and I seemed to have patched things up. Then I didn't hear from him for 5 days.
Meanwhile I emailed tinalov to apologise for screaming at her and leaving abruptly but also setting boundaries and letting her know it wasn't ok for her to tell me things about B and B's and my relationship and that I felt she was threatened by me and afraid she would lose control and influence over B. I assured her I would not come between her and B's friendship but urged her not to interfere anymore. I told her she was a loving person who helped many people in her work but that she was no longer my friend after what happened and that she had not helped me. I repeated I would not come between her and B and I would honor their friendship.
After the week long period of silence B broke up with me on the night he was supposed to go to my performance but didn't. I was heartbroken. He said it wasn't because of anything tinalove had told him but very odd that he and I had patched things up and then as soon as he got home from work and tinalove spoke to him, he stopped speaking to me. He also told me that tinalove had shown him the email I'd sent her. Now I ask if she wasn't trying to interfere and control things then why show him an email which askes her not to interfere anymore?
Anyway, B and I got back together about a week after we broke up. I set boundary that I would not go over to tinalove's apt where he lived and I never asked about her or mentioned her because I wanted to end the triangle that had been so destructive and caused so much drama before. Things were great again, like when we first started dating. Then he went cold again. It was the night after we had had a very nice evening and had talked about spending a weekend in Las Vegas. The next night he was cold and aloof. He kept checking his phone at dinner. After dinner we went and played pool. He got a text which he made a point of telling me about. Then he proceeded to ignore me for the rest of the game so he could send text messages during my turn. It was worse than playing pool with a stranger.
After that evening things went downhill. He became less and less communicative and seemed less interested in sex or kissing. He stopped sending me cute, romantic, flirtatious texts every day. It seemed he was having doubts and second thoughts and maybe was passively agressively manipulating me into breaking up wsith him. I was feeling terrible and hurt. I was still deeply in love with him but knew I deserved better treatment and a lot less drama. I finally broke up with him. Then I posted a couple poems after the break up announcement on my blog and tinalove posted some more insane fake psychic delusional bullshit on my blog which I deleted. She also asked me not to give up on B. Which is odd for 2 reasons. One is that when she assaulted me a couple months ago she was telling me I confused and hirt B and that he and I wouldn't last. But the most inportant reason is that since I broke up with B, he hasn't texted me, phone me or emailed me. It seems he doesn't want me as a friend even right now. It's not me who has given up on him, but him on me. I am still his friend. I consider him to be my family. I am just not his girlfriend or his lover anymore. But her comments did me a favor, the validated the breakup because as long as he lives in her apt, he will never be able to have a mature romantic relationship with any woman. No emotionally healthy woman is going to put up with the oddness of the dynamic between B and tinalove and will see right through her meddling disgiused as advice and psychic readings. He actually told me he wants to live with her forever even after he is married. He tells her everything, but not his girlfreinds at least not me when he and I were dating and when she assaulted me, he didn't believe me or stand by me, but took her side. A woman wants a partnership and a man who will stand by her. We don't want to play second fiddle to a roommate and former lover.
So I broke up with B because he started acting like a jerk towards me, because he stopped communicating with me and because he believed his roommate's delusional comments about me and because he seems to be more in love with his roommate than he was ever with me given how he puts her on a pedastal and won't ever move out of her apt. It was way too much craziness and drama. I deserve a man who will love, honor, respect, cherish and have my back when crazy people attack me. The next man I am wish will be all those things and he will also make plans in advance, back up his words with actions and behavior and he will never give me the cold shoulder or ignore me. I am the best girlfriend anybody could want. I am sweet, smart, funny, sexy, sensual, supportive, a good listener, adventurous and open to trying new things in and out of the bedroom and I am never possessive, jealous or controlling. Why anybody would become a jerk and risk losing me is beyond my comprehension. But that's what happened.
It's sad but writing about it helps and my friends and family help keep me strong. I hope B speaks to me again. .Like I said I love and miss him. I hope he is ok.
And now finally the poem:
Full Fear Frolic
I.
Hummingbird, you
leave me bleeding
roses, strange
Stranger, I
hide beneath black
scuffed boots crawling
after left
over pieces of shadow
hungry for your salt sweet neck.
Blooming, I
can't get through
too heavy for the sky
will I ever
Let you
enter
me
taste milky liquid
aftermath
Come closer, no
inch away
or petals will drop
and you'll know
everything.
II.
You know
everything
will drop petals
let heavy aftermath
through the blooming sky
Inch closer
taste away
milky liquid
come
will enter
Sweet salt left over
can't I neck
your hungry shadow
boots scuffed
crawling beneath
black hide stranger
Roses bleeding
ever after
strange bird
I leave you
humming.
Annette Sugden ver. 5, April/2006
 | Currently listening :
Oh, Inverted World
By The Shins
Release date: 2001-06-19 | |
lyrical
happy
chatty
energetic
excited 
down
bummed 
bright
incredulous
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