Annette Sugden Blog

untitled new poem

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:03:52 -0800

to avoid doing laundry
i buy new underwear, i love
the wrong man, truth
is i love many wrong
men, that's not what you're thinking

the underwear may be new, but
now only comes
off for the right man
or in the laundry, occasionally
a wrong wrong man
loves me, this unwanted
not the same as a wrong man

wrong wrong man wants
lots of attention, so do
the wrong men, both hard
steal everything, disappear soon
as they convince me to
remove or buy
underwear

there is no right wrong man, I
don't need any of them, including
a right man or even
the right right man, could be
left too, possibly
center, he needs me high
up, to push, enter
deep, the holy of holies, reveal
all my hidden places, everything
clean, with or
without underwear

unclogging

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 14:00:42 -0800

unclogging
Lately I haven't been writing much. A coubple or few months ago I tried to commit to writing in my blog at least once a week. That lasted about a week. In a kabbalah class recently we were told why short term plans often get interferred with. I won't go into it. Maybe you already know or have your own opinions about it anyway. It's interesting because I started a writing class geared specifically towards writer's block. It's called Industrial Poetry and is taught by Brendan Constantine. The interesting thing is that during the in class assignments, I write long spontaneous works. At home, alone, I can't write anything.
Ok so let's go backwards a bit, shall we? Don't answer this. It's what is known as a rhetorical question. I have been studying Kabbalah for nearly a year now. If you know me well then this is a pretty logical progression from my other metaphysical and mystical interests. For me, Kabbalah has started to illuminate some concepts I was already very familiar with by explaining actually how to do the work to apply them in a practical way to my life. I am not saying that because at the moment that since Kabbalah works for me if it doesn't work for you or you don't have any interest in it that there is anything wrong with you. If you notice an increase in postings related to Kabbalah or Judaism, that does not mean I am turning religious or trying to convert anybody. I am simply passionate about what I am learning and sharing it. I am off track again.
Futher backwards -- because Kabbalah is new and I developed a passion for it, I have been spending a disproportionate time studying it rather than contemplating and exploring and then sitting down to write something. It's not that I don't have ideas. I have many. I just have not given myself time to just sit with them and then flow them onto paper or the computer screen. It's highly likely I went too far the other way in going against my nature which is to spend huge amounts of time alone. Now I am trying to settle into a balance of sharing in person with people and sharing with people via my writing and other creative endeavors. I also am often spending time alone not working towards any type of sharing. Sometimes I am just escaping.
Maybe in some ways for awhile I escaped into Kabbalah which is not really then Kabbalah. It's easy to "get busy" with anything, including "spirituality" in a selfish way as a form of escapism. There are many things I both desire to confront head on and escape from because they feel extremely daunting and I often feel isolated and alone in these challenges, not because they are unique or worse than other peoples' challenges, but because my comfort zone is to not face them or convince myself that I am facing them when in fact I am not. I'm an expert at self deception. And I am an expert at self absorbtion. (and spelling errors).
Perhaps I am the most selfish and needy person I know. Some folks may agree. I don't know. I don't say this in a woe as me victim way. Humans are all highly selfish. We want, want , want some to a higher degree than others. The wanting isn't wrong, but wanting purely for the self alone is harmful to the self and others. I am now ever on the quest to shift my desire for short term gratification to long term fulfillment, something Kabbalah calls shifting the desire to receive for the self alone to desire to receive for the sake of sharing or transforming a linear vessel into a circular vessel. Most of the time I operate from a linear vessel.
Part of my own personal work has been to shift how I am with men. For a lot of my adult life, I had deceived myself into an attitude that if I felt a connection and a chemistry with a guy, that if in the moment I wanted to sleep with him then I would. This I told myself was liberating and free in spite of the fact that most if not all of these relationships were extremely short lived and immediately resulted in an intense emotional crash where I felt empty and hollow and very alone. Never dirty or ashamed, just wrong like everybody else seemed to be able to figure this part out and yet I thought I was doing the same thing and yet I never could quite get anywhere or at least not anywhere for very long. And then I just blamed the men and forgot about my part, my responsibility and repeated the same mistake(s) over and over and over and over and over...
I was never a slut or extremely promiscuous. I have had both amazing expereinces and mediocre experience and one abusive marriage. I'm not complaining. I love men. I love people. I am now actually comning to love and value myself, to actually have a true sense of self worth. Yesterday I jokingly said I have decided to no longer sleep with a man based on the fact that I think/feel we knew each other in past life. (you may laugh but in a way this is exactly how I based all my romantic or sexual interactions with men. If we had chemistry and I sensed I knew you before then bingo no matter how you behave, I'd go to bed with you).
Recently I managed to shift a couple things. An ex of mine invited me for a drink. A year ago, I would've dropped everything and met him for a drink. Now no way. I was busy. I told him. He didn't ask me again. This is a goood thing. In another situation, a guy I've known for 3 years got back in touch. We had never actually dated but he and I have intense chemistry and sometimes a sort of telepathic connection so three years ago everytime we met, we ended up in bed. Why? Because I chose that. It's been 3 years. I invited him to a kabbalah class. He I guess assumed (and why wouldn't he) that this meant that sex would be part of the package deal. I do have strong affection for him, but I hadn't seen him in 3 years. And I've been studying kabbalah and made a committment to myself not to just give all my Light away for free (please don't post about money. that's not what I mean by free or value etc). We hugged and laughed but his energy even on the phone the day before was intensely ungrounded which probably made it easier for me not to be tempted into bed with him. He didn't take the class seriously at all. Then after he kissed me which I said was fine but made it clear in a flirty way that I was not having sex with him that night, he proceeded to collect phone numbers from other women everywhere we went. If I had had sex with him, I would habve ended up hurt because my motivation for having sex with him would have been as selfish as his but based on my feelings of affection towards him but his were just based on getting laid and I obviously was completely interchangeable with any woman who would be impressed by his ability to warm or cool their hand (he has natural energy work ability) and be charming.
It may sound like I blame him. I don't. This particular person has an unbalanced, unbounded, very child like energy about them. He does nothing out of malice or meaness. He's like the kids in the preschool where I work. They have no idea that some of the things they do might hurt other people's feelings. They are purely and selfishly exploring their worlds. This is the space he is in. Unfortunately he isn't 5. He's 31. I love exploring life and being adventurous but I also take responsibility for my actions and know that there is a time and a place. So this man and I are not a good match. He is not boyfriend material. He doesn't even want a girlfriend. He just wants to get laid. Nothing wrong with that. Getting laid feels good. But it's all short term fulfillment and like I said, I am trying not to do things based on short term fulfillment.
Do I regret not sleeping with him. No. O.K. for about a minute when I'm extremely horny then yes, but then I remind myself of the crash. And not sleeping with him coupled with his animal level antics give me a lot more fuel for poetry and fiction than sleeping with him just to get laid or feel a man's arms around me would.
So back to unclogging am I? I don't know. I hope so. I hope once Industrial Poetry is over, that I will be able to come up with inspiration for poems and stories. I don't think Brendan will allow me to email him every other day asking him for assignments. I think the next blog entry will just be a poem. Maybe old. Maybe new. Maybe both. Hopefully not borrowed or blue ;).

8/18/09 - New Poem

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 13:06:00 -0800

8/18/09

eight, one plus eight equals nine plus nine equals eighteen minus
nine equals nine minus one equals eight think I saw
Elijah buying coffee at the local 7-11, red
hair and kippa (look that up or ask me later) I thought
King David was the red-head, felt awkward with my danish
still wearing my pajamas (me not the danish) honestly
I wasn't dreaming, it's just that today's my day
off and believe it or not, they have really wild berry good
pastries, braided like challah (you can look that up too) is
that a sign -- the number 8 tipped over is infinity
endless, outside, no sign
of the prophet, next time I'll try
to remember to get dressed.

Fat Girl In Los Angeles new poem rough draft

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 12:52:00 -0800

I'm A Fat Girl In Los Angeles

Why bother to compete -- even in my slim San Francisco Seattle days
in Los Angeles, I was fat -- don't care-- never be size 0-2 barbie girl
no meat, all bones and silicone gel -- my bounce all real, soft, inviting, wet
whistle worthy -- no junk, just sweet hourglass sensation the way mother
nature intented

So if you're big by any city standard, don't cry
strap on a good bra and kiss those jerks good-bye
don't fret if you can't obtain heroin concentration camp
anorexic boy with boobs chic and eat that burger baby
organic, free-range, kosher if you please

It's hips that make men harder
make him work for it -- on his knees
confidence is the secret even if it's faked
not diets, plastic surgery or sexy clothes
even skinny girls can join the club
just remember

you're a fat girl in Los Angeles
wear it proudly, shake it baby
don't worry if you're alone
real men who are worthy
will return when they're
full grown.

What and Whether to Write

Sat, 8 Aug 2009 17:23:57 -0800

What and Whether to Write

Blog entry 8/8/2009

I haven’t written anything in my blog since May really. There are a few reasons why. Not really reasons, more like excuses. At this point I’m trying to decide if I really want to keep blogging and exactly what I want to blog about next if I do keep blogging. As some people know this past November I started studying Kabbalah at the Kabbalah Centre so I could write about my experience with that so far and about the Centre. I could blog about my dating life and how it is being single, not skinny (I’m fine not being skinny by the way) and over 40 in Los Angles, but that topic could be saturated. Or I could continue writing a general personal blog which is pretty much what I’ve been doing in a haphazard way. The last would encompass both my Kabbalah and other spiritual experiences as well as my dating life but in addition would include other triumphs and joys.Here is the thing, I want to be as brave and honest in my blog as I attempting to be in my poetry but I feel here, in a blog I will hold back. One because my mother and other family members will read it and may find out things about me that would worry them or that I just don’t want them to know. Is that strange? I am fine with complete strangers and acquaintances knowing intimate details of my life but not the people closest to me. The other issue I have is that there is a person who emails every day and checks my blog every day and who in the past because of their own mental challenges perceived my blog as conversations I was having with them and as something written for them. And then there are other people from my past who may think something similar as well. Neither case is true. I really see this blog as a form of sharing for the purpose of exposing just how much ego and selfishness I have. I don’t mean that in a woe as me negative way at all. I mean it in a proactive and transformative way. By looking at the ugliest parts of myself and figuring out how to turn them into blessings and documenting the process, perhaps I can correct myself and even maybe inspire even just one other person to go on a journey of questioning and transformation.I am not going to apologize if I write anything that might touch a nerve or bore or be uncomfortable for anyone. I will add that perhaps if something I write does upset you, then maybe just maybe I am sharing something about myself that you also need to take a look at. And if you don’t want to take a look at anything tough, challenging and painful, then it’s fine, don’t read my blog. Move on and find something else better to do.I still don’t know where to start. There are a lot of things going on. And I’ve been stuck in either denial or escape from some of the more challenging and painful areas of my life that need increasingly immediate attention. As far as my spiritual work goes, I’ve kind of been going through a rebellion phase where I still go to class but I am not doing the work I need to be doing. I’ll get more specific in other blogs. Sometimes a blog entry will be a personal essay like this one. (but hopefully more interesting) and other times an entry will be a poem or perhaps a video, I make, if I can trust myself with my webcam again. (I may write more about that later but that’s one of the topics I may just save for my poetry and visual art). I may post a video or song by another artist as I have in the past, but if I do I will try to have it serve as a visual epigram or epigraph to something in the blog entry itself.Lastly, I’m open to suggestions on what people think would be an interesting direction for me to take this blog. Should I start with Kabbalah? Should I write about my former marriage? I haven’t really yet. Should I write about living overseas? Should I write about writer’s block? Even if you think I should just give up and stop writing, let me know that as well. I won’t agree with you and it won’t stop me but it might give me some interesting future blog and poetry ideas.I’d like to say that I will write something here daily but knowing me that may be pushing it. I tend to overestimate my level of enthusiasm and expend all my passion for a project at the beginning so if I’m going to start being a disciplined blogger, I think I will update this blog every Saturday. It will be my non orthodox and personal way of observing Shabbat. I may post blog entries more often than that from time to time, but every Saturday I will write something. Even if it’s just a sentence.I guess I’m at the end of the entry. This blog is for no one and everyone. It’s not intended to be hurtful or to gain attention. Not that I don’t like attention or that there is anything wrong with attention. There is isn’t. And also not that I don’t want it to get attention. But that is not the main reason. Like I said. The main reason is the share and to help myself by helping others. And now that I have started repeating myself I will end with a fullstop.

Feature tomorrow night 5pm Beyond Baroque and new book out tomorrow!

Sat, 2 May 2009 20:31:33 -0800

New book out tomorrow and I'm featuring tomorrow at Beyond Baroque :)!
Current mood: excited

Hey everybody :) 2 announcements :)

1) I'm featuring with Ben Trigg tomorrow night (Sun May 3) at 5pm at Beyond Baroque Literary Arts Centre located at 681 Venice Blvd, Venice, CA There is also an open mic at this event. Sign up for that is at 4:45 pm.

2) Finally after much procrastination and detouring, my very first official chapbook is being released tomorrow at the above event! It's called "Don't Make Vincent Gallo Mad" and has some of my poems, artwork and photography inside. Right now I'm printing 20 copies with a color cover but all the images inside are B&W. They are $8. I am taking special orders for a limited addition all color version (ie the images that are in color will be in color but obviously any B&W images will still be B&W). The all color version will be more expensive, probably something like $10 to $11. Regardless of which version you are interested in 10% of all proceeds from each book are being donated to SFK a children's charity that helps at risk kids become empowered, increases self-esteem and self-awareness and helps kids make positive, proactive choices using their own critical thinking skills.

I hope to see everybody tomorrow evening at Beyond Baroque and I wish you all the best :)

Currently reading:
Satan: An Autobiography

Death and newish poem: Angel Catcher Mother Fucker!

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 16:11:53 -0800

March 20, 2009 - Friday

Death and a New Poem: Angel Catcher Mother Fucker!
Current mood: bummed
Category: Writing and Poetry

I'm feeling a bit sad because I just found out the other day that a family friend who has been battling cancer for the last 3 or so years has maybe 9 months to live. I'm trying to remain positive but it's a bit hard, even for a metaphysically minded magician type of old soul person like me. Also sort of feeling feather ruffled about an ill informed judgemental comment about one form of astrology being more accurate than another because one of the forms is based on a solar calendar. FYI no forms of astrology are based on the gregorian solar calendar. Most charts in all forms are charted based on the placement of the planets, etc at the time of birth. This includes where the sun is, as well as the moon, all the planets in the galaxy as well as several asteroids. Whether a person uses the gregorian calendar or another calendar is irrellevant. Anyway here's a newish poem I think I wrote in Oct of 2008. It has nothing to with astrology but does have to do with death and mothers. I hope you enjoy it. Comments are appreciated. :)

Angel Catcher Mother Fucker!

In the bookstore, I pick up a book
that would be perfect
for you
a journal
because of your mother
being gone
and you
being so angry at everything
God,
the doctors, your father,
you,
your mother
and all the women
you use
to erase her
like me
who look
like her.

I put it back because you hate me, don't
know me really
you
never existed,
the person who looks
like you
isn't you
and I'm not the evil witch
who looks
like me
who looks
like your mother
maybe even
the closest
one
you found
everything based on lies
except for the part
about
your mother.

Currently listening:
Watchmen Soundtrack
By Soundtrack
Release date: 2009-03-03

"You're so vain you probably think this song is about you"

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 16:51:19 -0800

"You're so vain you probably think this song is about you"
Current mood: curious
Category: Life

I guess it's been a bit since I've posted a new blog. The main updates are:

1) My apt and probably half the building had a terrible bedbug infestation. As a result, I had to throw away my bed, my dog's beds, all my pillows and chair cushions and I have been sleeping on a hard wood floor for about 2 weeks now until I get paid and can buy a new bed. My landlord is supposed to be replacing my bed which is good. But he hasn't given me the $ yet so I'm just going to buy the soft furniture that needs to be replaced and then take the amount off rent. Sleeping on the floor is actually an excellent exercise in humility and a good way to crush the ego a little bit. It was hard the first 2 nights and it's been a little difficult the last couple nights while I've had a bad cold. Actually I'm having some interesting dreams which may or may not be from sleeping on the floor. Those could also be from a fairly new twice daily practice of kabbalistic prayers and meditations. One of those sessions is completed just before I go to sleep and included staring at and meditating on one of a sequence of Aramaic/Hebrew letters called the 72 Names of G-d. They aren't actually G-d's names, but aspects in a way and are unpronounceable as words and are more accurately "messages" or "messengers" so names of angels sort of, but not exactly. Anyway, that's sort of a tangent (however often tangents contain more important information than the main body of a piece of writing or for example a lecture). It's possible the forces of the letters are influencing my dreams. It will be good to get a new bed though as being able to sustain sleeping on the floor for a long period of time is actually starting to feed my ego rather than crush it as I can feel myself starting to want to brag about how I am able to sleep fairly ok on a hard floor. So time to stop.

2) My last blog was on dating and how I am sort of not enjoying being single. I guess really what I don't enjoy on further reflection is "dating." And I mean how the 1% material reality views "dating" and all the bullshit that accompanies it. I'm more interested as I said before in cultivating friendships and intellectual, emotional and spiritual intimacy with a person before it evolves into anything physical and am quite happy to have no particular agenda. Well the no agenda is a goal. I have an ego, a large one, like everybody else so sometimes it has other plans if I don't keep it in check or I am not noticing where my blind spots are. More and more I am wondering if it is possible to have a romantic relationship with a man who isn't also studying kabbalah and attempting to live kabbalistically or at least to understand kabbalah. However I know I can have platonic friendships with people from all walks of life. I sort of kind of started talking to an old flame from college and beyond who now lives on the other side of the country. But that's the problem lol, he lives on the other side of the country. I really need to meet and have relationships with people I can hang out with on a regular basis although of course I remain friends with several people who are scattered all over the planet. My main focus is not having a romance. I've never been a "I must be part of couple NOW" or needy in that way. If anything, I am the opposite. I tend to keep prosepective romantic partners at arm's length in a variety of ways either by being distant or by being too intense/passionate or an odd combination of both at the same time. In other words by sending mixed signals (note this is not on purpose. I don't stay awake nights plotting on how I can keep all potential romantic partners from getting too close lol). In fact for about 4 years after ending my marriage, although I dating occassionally, I basically totally shut down from that aspect of myself. That ended in June of last year when I met somebody who somehow broke through all that lol.

3) At the time of my last blog entry, I thought I had made a new male friend. Not anything romantic or sexual necessarilly. It was way too soon to tell. We never even held hands, let alone kissed so how could either of us really tell what exactly was there. I'm a big believer that the first kiss and/or salsa or tango with a prosepective "date" are how a person knows anything about actual chemistry or potential in a friendship. And prolonging when or if there will even be a first kiss I am finally learning is often more fun than just cutting to the chase and kissing or jumping into bed with somebody too soon. But it seems he has moved on to not being a new friend and maybe being an acquaintance or maybe I am now just added to a list of band fans to be notified as new gigs come up. I am always happy to support other artists so I will. There were red flags sort of. He never added me on myspace as a friend. This point may seem immature. It doesn't hurt my feelings and there is no rule about adding people as friends or not. It just is an observation. And that's why it's a red flag. I can understand about stalkers since I've had my share being a female and a creative female with a small, well tiny, public following as a performance poet in Los Angeles. But at some point not adding a person as a friend looks like paranoia and/or very serious intimacy issues. I don't know. I wish him well and maybe we really "have coffee sometime" but I'm not holding my breath. Somewhere between our last meeting where we tentatively planned to go to see "Milk" together and at the end of that meeting he assured me that "it's on" and the next time we talked it went to him being "busy with work, taking care of some things and other stuff" and to "maybe we can get some coffee sometime" and then to "well, maybe I can let you know via email of future gigs." I liked him. I still like him. But I have no idea if that like would ever become romantic or not. I didn't know him at all. He doesn't know me at all. Hanging out 3 times for about 2 hours each is not enough time to get to know anybody. I think he's very attractive, but I also just think he's an interesting and intelligent guy and the most I allowed myself to fantasize about anything was being friends and/or maybe having another musician friend since I'm trying to get back into music again after not being serious about it since I was maybe 20.

4) Since I've seriously been back on my spiritual path and been studying and practicing kabbalah, I have been realizing all the things I gave up on because I was too afraid to continue because it was very scary and uncomfortable to pursue. One of those things is playing music, specifically singing and writing lyrics and finding 1-4 people to collaborate with musically. I need to overcome this fear. Up until age 19 or 20 I was actively trying to get into a band I even went on some auditions. Later I found out, I wasn't successful not because of lack of talent but because at the time my shyness was so acute, that even with a microphone, it was difficult to hear me and on stage it would have been impossible to. Now I'm louder lol. Plus collaborating will help me work on my fears of letting go and collaborating with others, to learn to trust others creatively. I think it's time.

5) I'm finally putting together my first chapbook, entitled "Don't Make Vincent Gallo Mad" (I like Vincent Gallo as an artist. I don't know him personally.) It's about 1/2 done. The poems are all there. It's just deciding which ones and what order and also which pieces of art to include. I'm editing it myself. It's my creative control issues and my lack of trust that are not allowing me to ask anybody else to edit it. Maybe I'll ask a trusted poet editor friend or two to take a final look before I take it to Kinko's to print it. It will be done before May because...

6) I am featuring at Beyond Baroque the first Sun in May at the Sun open reading there. Yay! I need to feature more again. My stalker issues of over a year ago and my head injury at around the same time really cut my time going to open readings and also my exposure as a result. The more open readings I go to, the more I get offers to feature I noticed. Also it's past time for me to have a book out and that should help.

7) I'm not hurt or angry at B anymore. At the moment he and I don't speak. I feel if he wants to talk to me then he will. In the past no matter what I did or said it was misinterpreted and either just fed his ego or ended up exploding into misunderstanding and hurt and wasn't helping either of us. I worry about him sometimes and I pray for his happiness, joy, peace, fulfillment and that he finds what he needs and is looking for in life. I am willing to never see or speak to him or attempt to see or speak to him if that is what is needed for him to find what he needs to further his path.And that is what he knows his path is whenever he finds it. Not what I or any other person thinks, feels or says his path should be. All of us are already on our paths. We all have freewill to make certain causes or not. There is a bigger picture always and who am I to judge or even be able to know or see what the bigger picture is for him. That's between him and G-d. He said once he feels an intense connection to Moses(Moshe) so I see him in my prayers having those qualities that Moses had and becoming a great, caring, compassionate leader in whatever community he chooses to land in.

It's funny as usual this blog isn't what I thought it was ultimately going to be about. Originally I intended to write more about ego and vulnerability. Maybe another time. Also in future blogs, look for new poems. Maybe the next several blogs will just be new poems lol. Over and out. Happy travels. "It is a tree of life for those who hold fast to it." :)

Currently watching:
I Heart Huckabees : Widescreen Edition

Writer's block and navigating the minefields of singledom :)

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 18:33:44 -0800

Writer's block and traversing the baffling mine fields of singledom :)
Current mood: artistic
Category: Life

I'll just say it once, I'm feeling a bit blocked as far as writing poetry goes and have been blocked for the last couple of weeks. But that's ok because maybe now I'll actually sit down and put together the chapbook I have been procrastinating about for the last 2 years out of insecurity or some kind of irrational fear that's not grounded in anything real.

Speaking of unreality, can I also mention or well confess that I don't really like being single. This may be odd since I have been single for longer periods of time than I have been in relationships, but when I get into long-term relationships I tend to stay in them for at least 4 years at a time. I don't count my most recent experience that I've recounted much of in this blog as a long-term relationship. It's more a part of the baffling minefield of dating or whatever the kids are calling it these days. And maybe that's the problem. Nobody has the same terms for anything and that's confusing enough. I know people who say they never date and yet they go out 1 on 1 with members of their gender of sexual and/or romantic preference and do things like drink or eat a meal or go to a movie or some other what my mother would term date like activity. So when exactly did dating become not dating and does insisting that something that by description looks like a date isn't a date, really make it not a date? Are we really all that afraid of getting to know each other that we are even afraid to call a date a date?

But maybe it isn't the activity that makes it a date. So to be sure I looked up the definition of date in the dictionary and here's what I found: date, noun, "an appointment to meet at a specified time; especially: a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character." The part that's interesting for this discussion is the phrase, "that often has a romantic character" and there's where times have changed. For example, I occasionally go out with or meet people in person that I originally met online, usually on a "dating" site such as ok cupid and recently for the first time with somebody I met on Myspace. I don't know these people really and they don't know me. And because we have never met, we have no idea if there is even any real mutual attraction or interest so how could a first or even a second meeting be termed a date? And then what if one person feels like it's a date but the other person doesn't? It's a lot less ambiguous to meet somebody at a bar or a party and talk a bit and then know that you'd definitely like to go out on a date with this person. Although even then it's not always clear these days. Most of us like to at least appear invulnerable and issue free, especially when we're trying to impress prospective romantic partners and most of us are afraid of rejection so we often don’t call a date, a date in case it isn’t and then it doesn’t feel or we think it won’t feel as bad if it doesn’t work out.

My confusion is I'd rather know where I stand so I can know how to behave without embarrassing myself. How flirtatious should I be on these non-date dates? I'm not looking for casual sex, so I'm not going to be worried about that but if I'm too platonic on a non-date date how do I convey that I may be interested in a date date in the future if there is mutual interest, but that if there isn't I'm fine continuing going on non date dates and/or becoming part of an extended circle of platonic friends. What if I make a wrong move or say the wrong thing inadvertently and a guy I'm interested in totally misinterprets it as something else? I’m not being insecure her. I have a wacky, sometimes odd sense of humor and I’m a proud dork so this is a real possibility lol.

What exactly are the rules of non-date dating anyway? And now I have another confession to make, since starting my study of Kabbalah, I am more baffled because Kabbalah has a set of suggestions or "rules" for dating and how women should behave in order to allow men to share or something like that. Do those "rules" apply to non-date dates? What about being a post-modern, post-feminist, post-punk woman? What if the guy I’m hanging out with isn’t studying Kabbalah? What if he’s a post- modern, post- feminist, post-punk? Some of the Kabbalah guidelines seem a bit retro. The reasoning is about women recognizing their worth and power, but I do recognize those. I have a pretty healthy sense of self and a positive self esteem, yet I don't always agree that a man has to pay for everything on dates not that that is the only way he can share or convey that he knows a woman has worth etc. What's wrong with going Dutch? I'd rather be equal. What if both of us don't make a lot of money? Actually eventually I prefer my mom's method of whoever invites pays, but in the beginning on non date dates when who knows if there will be a next non date date, let alone a date date, going Dutch makes sense. If a guy always had to pay, he'd have no money to go on non date dates, let alone date dates unless they are rich. I know I am non-date dating multiple guys and I assume they are also non-date dating multiple girls, at least I hope they are because I don't need any stalkers or misunderstandings and I would never want a guy I am seeing to feel pressured into paying all of the time. I’m an independent woman. I don’t need to be provided for financially. I can pay my own way. I don’t need or want a sugar daddy, thank you very much.

I guess you might say that figuring out whether it’s a date or a non date or a relationship all boils down to communication and emotional maturity. True. But how and where do you meet good communicators? Most of us aren't really taught good, strong communication skills. And we’re deathly afraid of appearing vulnerable. Just this past Sunday, a new friend was relating to me how hard it is for him to meet emotionally mature people and I agreed. I think I am usually emotionally mature, but I admit I have my blind spots and I do have issues. Still I try to communicate rather than freak out and I try to consider the other person and where they are coming from and what they need or want. Plus in dating whether it's non date dating or date date dating, I am trying to focus on friendship first and getting to know the person before I decide whether or not I want to kiss them or them to kiss me let alone get to full blown sex. It's not that I have a problem with casual sex or people that want casual sex; it's just that casual sex is not for me at this point in time. I'm more interested in friends and an eventual long-term relationship so the next person I have sex with will be a person that I am starting a romantic relationship with and that's it.

Who knows when that will be? I've had 2 non-date dates with a guy I like and would like to hang out with more but I'm baffled about where to go from here and who calls who and all that stuff. But I'll figure it out or not. And I have a couple other non-date dates lined up with a couple other guys over the next few days. If none of these guys turns into a romance it's fine. Maybe some of them will become good friends and who knows whom I'll meet. And while I say I hate being single because the whole dating thing is confusing to a post punk post dork dork who’s proud of her dorkiness and silliness, I am quite comfortable being alone and spending time alone. If I have no time to myself, then when can I write or draw or take pictures or meditate. And I'd rather be alone than in a bad relationship. And for now when I get horny I've got a good vibrator. The part of Kabbalah I'm working on in regards to all my relationships, romantic and platonic, is to at least attempt to have no agenda and to go with the flow. Sometimes I get there and other times I freak out, but only to my close friends. So my dates and non-dates never know. Well if any of them read this blog they do. I hope I have a 3rd non-date date with this new friend I mentioned but I make no assumptions. And now off to do homework and work on putting together that chapbook I mentioned :)

Currently listening:
The Life Pursuit
By Belle & Sebastian
Release date: 2006-02-07

January 7, 2009 - Wednesday Bethlehem Lint...

Wed, 7 Jan 2009 12:38:15 -0800

January 7, 2009 - Wednesday

Bethlehem Lint and The Opponent Current mood: Shining :) Category: Shining :) Life

2 new poems :) I posted 1 of them yesterday but it was buried between some other stuff. The first one is the most recent and really is a reworking of the second one in some ways, but they go together and are about the same topic and emotions. Enjoy and comment :) Thank you :) Keep Shining :)

Bethlehem Lint (Raiders of the Lost Ark revisited)

My red string broke again and I keep forgetting to look up bedbugs online because the prospect of dumping, losing, letting everything go, makes me weep. Just a piece of red wool - wound round Rachel's tomb - with traces of your off white jacket, the one you lent me when your crossed arm, closed off chest wouldn't hold my hand after we played Lego Indiana Jones on your Xbox 360 degree turn separation - "honey from the rock - now you're being nice again, not counting the hand-holding, both of us terrified that more than fuzz will be exchanged and if we cut too deep, our bones may become exposed then again, I tip-toe around your open gangrene wounds and you "forget" kissing me, go back to your corner cave, hiding, stop calling, until I pounce - denial - claw each other, stab, maul verbally. Why can't we play nice in this sandbox stove top broken bottle needle nose pliers string along circus tent chess match? after Chanukkah, another, unknown girl, friend of a mutual friend, threw up all over your new year's eve party get laid drunk dunk think tank plan - 1:39am - so angry - for so long but not at me, not really. I can hold my own liquor, know limits but still there's the pest problem. At least by Thurs I'll have a new string, left wrist, no more evil eye, this time clean.

ver. 1.1 Jan 2009

The Opponent Has Hidden Our Ark of the Covenant Again

Because your room is cold and we don't hold each other anymore, you embrace me with your Marc Ecko cut and sew hoodie. I'm Marion, you're Indy. We are made of Legosä. We play games on tv, lying on your broken bed, feet entwined, we giggle, press buttons as I hit you with a shovel and you encircle my waist with your whip, pull me in for a virtual kiss. Later when we talk, you refuse to hold my hand, pace around the periphery, jangle loose change, wont' look at me. At home I spritz your creamy jacket with perfume and rose water, sleep inside its hollows, wear it, you, everywhere so when I return it, you won't forget my smell. We both know you're a liar, you still love me. We're just afraid to open the Xbox.

Annette Sugden ver. 1.5/December,2008

Currently reading : The Five Books of Moses: A Translation with Commentary By Robert Alter